The Daily Struggle...

I often write about my struggle with mental health shortcomings. It's a big part of what I deal with on a daily basis. Some days it's the only thing I deal with - like today.

I spent an hour talking to a friend today who knows the realities of depression and anxiety. She's found an answer for her issues, but as we shared, it was clear, I hadn't found the answer to my own. She spoke to me in care and concern... and we shared. It's not often that I open myself to talking about where I am in my own mind, but she's a safe place I can rely on. She knows where I am, because she's been there too. I don't know fully if my own mom has been as low as I've been, but I rarely scratch at the surface of where my mother is, because I know she deals with enough on her own. She has other health issues that have taken the front seat of her worry. I can't press her with my own troubles anymore. She's older, and dealing with what I hear (in the midst of her words) are her "end of life" issues that she's facing. This reality in and of itself is something I can't face in the place I'm at right now. Losing my mother would be the death of me. Know that.

Mental issues are like feathers to me. A bird has several types and layers of feathers that cover their bodies. Some are fluffy and soft... some are corse and dense. They have layers of coverings that keep the weather from being an issue to their small bodies. It's the same with me. I have layers of mental health that cover me. I have soft fluffy parts, and course dense parts as well. I don't deal well with the dense parts, and often cry when the fluffy parts are laid bear. I don't show my fluffy parts to many people... but there are those, like today, who see them no matter how hard I try to hide them. Being with someone who knows your struggles makes it hard to hide your inner turmoil. I cried quite a bit today with my friend. My friend, by the way, who is facing a second bout with breast cancer, and a double mastectomy next week. It would seem to the normal mind that that person isn't who you need to bear your soul to, but she had other plans. She asked. I cried. She knew.

I sometimes believe that these blog posts will serve others after I'm gone... to show the world that mental illness is a bigger reality than is publicly realized, or commonly known. It's true, we hide it when we can. It's a sad thing to us who go each day, facing a new challenge of finding peace and trying to feel normal.

My reality includes drinking alcohol on a regular basis. It calms the mind and keeps the bad thoughts at bay at times. I know it's bad, and that it isn't helping me in the long term... but it helps me in the now. I know I have an addictive personality, and that drinking is a bad idea for me... but there are moments when I just want it all to end. I want to leave this ugly world, and move on to the blessings of my heavenly promise. I can imagine, with the people who read this, that it's a known reality that this world is too broken and depraved to bring joy in a lot of people. I try... you can't imagine how hard I try. It's exhausting. It's a daily battle. I'm so tired of the battle... it's beyond words for me right now.

There is so much inside my words, I can't expect people to know the real depth of my struggle. It helps for me to write it down... to get it off my chest and out into the unknown. Maybe these words will help someone I don't even know. Right now I don't care... I can't care. Life is too much.

I know friends who have lost people to suicide, and I feel so sorry for them. They don't fully understand where we are as mentally ill people. They can't. No one knows you except you. No matter how much help you get - and believe me, I've gotten a lot of help... you can't realize the pain and struggle if you're not inside my head. Yes suicide is very selfish, but there are points in our reality where we can't see a way out. We fight so hard... but it's as if life just squeezes the life out of us. Sadness. Confusion. Anxiety. Worry. Self loathing. It doesn't end... It. Never. Ends. Morning, noon and night... it's a constant struggle. You can't imagine how hard some days get. You should praise your God in keeping you from this terrible life.

I know my God wants the best for me. He wants to prosper me, and not to harm me. He wants to bless me. He would never put anything on me that I can't handle with His help. I realize this, but words are so easy to say. Feelings are so hard to overcome. You just don't know if you're not who we are. I don't want to short sight the deaf or blind, but it's like a broken part of us that we can't overcome. I can't find my way beyond it. There's no help that works for me. 25 years now... it's endless and so very exhausting.

Please keep us in prayer. Mental health is a struggle that's real, and often avoided by modern medical experts. It's a trial and error issue where medicines are tried, only to be realized as a detriment or not a help. We continue on, month after month... year after year. We hope to find the answers, but some of us never do. My friend today has found her answer in a medicine that wasn't right for me. It's a daily struggle.

Thank you for prayer.

Remembering Childhood...

Isn't it nice to sit and think on all the good parts of your childhood? I was just being quiet, thinking about some of my favorite childhood memories. My brother and me, playing together as young children... batman and robin! I was always Robin... we had a little red plastic phone that we would pretend to get important calls for help on, and go shooting through the house, saving the day. Or in the summertime when we would go out back to the little creek that ran through the neighborhood, wading in the water, picking up tadpoles and leeches! And being out in the warm air with our mom, helping her pick the wild blackberries that grew at the fence line... then having them for dessert that night with milk and sugar.

And when we came to Albion to live, and the friendships I had, and still have! One of my friends and my favorite memory was friday nights after school, when I would bring a friend home on the bus after school and they would play and stay for home made pizza and chocolate chip cookies that my mother always made for us. Every other Friday was mine. Matt had the other Fridays... It was something I always looked forward to. I can imagine as I'm older now, my mother probably didn't look forward to those Fridays as we did! She did all of the work!

Summertime at the homestead was always fun too... mom would allow our "neighborhood kids" (our neighborhood was MILES WIDE, because we lived out in the country) to come over to play outside. We would go "down the laneway" where the farmers would drive their tractors in and out to plow, plant and harvest the corn fields that surrounded our house. We would ride bikes, play in the muck, find the tadpoles in the deep ruts that the tractors left. We would play with my brother and his friends, but they played rougher. There was a huge hill of untilled dirt where the Canadian geese nested, and where we would climb and get scratched up and filthy... good times!

I know I had a good childhood. I think back and remember that I always felt safe. I was always surrounded by love. We had a roof over our heads, food on the table, a stable family life. We had church and most of my parents' friends were from church. They didn't socialize much, but those were their friends - good friends. Quality friends. We didn't have everything. Looking back, I know that my parents struggled financially. The things I remember mom making for dinner proved that in years past. Hamburger bread: hamburger spread on white bread triangles, baked in the oven. Hot dogs and peppers in sauce: Green peppers, hot dogs, and Ragu. On pay days (Fridays) my dad would bring home a big loaf of Italian bread, a 1 pound block of real butter, and a jar of pepperochini. He loved those things! That was his splurge. If dinner wasn't enough for him, I remember him always having a piece of white bread with peanut butter to satisfy his lingering hunger. We didn't eat well, but we did... We were healthy and happy. That was enough.

We weren't scared of the world back then. We didn't have to jump through hoops to get our friends on our bus to come home with us. We didn't worry about predators lurking around waiting for us to be alone. There was none of that... we stayed outside until dark every night... no worries. It was a time to revel in... a time I wish we still had in this country.

Take time to sit and think about all the lovely memories you have of your childhood. It helps bring your spirits up. It did mine... :)

What Makes a Girl...

I don't care about fake nails, matching undergarments, perfect make up or hair... I'm a girl, but as I grow older, I fail to find satisfaction in perfection in any of those things. My mother has always been a woman who tries the very latest mascara, the best face lotions, or the latest nail polish colors. I find those things wearying. I get all of my mother's "cast offs" - those products that may have cost a fortune, but that didn't live up to the hype or my mother's expectations.

What makes a girl? I harken back to the day when, in the 50s or so - there were articles and books written about what it means or what it takes to be a good girl, or good wife. PFFFT! Those are hilarious and often are shared on social networks as fodder for laughter from today's woman. "Make your husband feel comfortable after his day at work" or "bring your man a drink and his slippers after he gets home." "Make sure you're your best when your man gets home - freshen your make up and hair to be sure you look your best." HA! I'm in sweatpants, slippers, and my hair knotted at the top of my head by the time he gets here. It's silly to think that these things make and break a marriage.

I don't, myself, trust in the bullshit that is spewed from the various women's magazines in today's world. Most of them at this point just highlight celebrities and what they're wearing, doing, saying, believing. It's ridiculous. I don't take part in these magazines or any other garbage spewed by the media. What I do take into consideration, is my own views, my friends, and the results I can actually see (sans photoshop!).

What makes a girl isn't the constant, ever present selfies on Facebook that I get SO VERY TIRED OF SEEING! I mean seriously... you're 45. Stop. You aren't going to wrangle a man based on the boob shots you post, no matter what you may believe. Good men don't get swayed by simple stupid selfies. Stop. It. Now. I'm one who sees true value in a person who believes in themselves, posts things that have substance, and show that substance in their daily lives. What do you show people that you can offer if all they see is stupid selfies, boob shots, drunken posts/photos, or the like? Be serious. You're an adult. Act like it.

Woman have needs that are more emotional than men. We need validation more... love more... feel more. We often express these needs via spoken word, or more subtle ways like being down in the mouth, not caring about our appearance, not reaching out to others. I speak from a different angle though, as a depressed person. I know the signs, but I also know the REAL ISSUES that come from being too down to accept any accolades. It's a line that men often don't see... they're simply not created that way most of the time. Don't turn your back on your man if he doesn't see your needs. It's up to you to articulate those needs, and demand them in order for you to be a healthy partner in life.

Just wanted to make those things clear. You're welcome.

Greater is He...

The last few days I've had a particular verse from the bible that has been on my heart. I've heard it several times when I start up my car for a journey, written on posts, and songs in my head. It's not something I focus on, but after a while, it started to be something often enough for me to write out.

"Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world." Greater... more powerful... more careful... God is in me. God shows me things I wouldn't normally see. I reached out to a distant friend last week after finding a yankee candle in my stock. It's her favorite scent, and I was reminded of her when I found it. I wrote to her, telling her what I'd found, and that I was thinking of her. It happened to be that that particular day was the year anniversary of her losing her best friend suddenly to a heart attack. She was my friend too... only 43. We've lost quite a few classmates in the last couple of years. My distant friend had been part of my life since high school, and was an employer of mine when I couldn't find work. She reached out, and gave me work. I was in need and she helped me. I couldn't ask for more from a friend. She was hurting that day... remembering the loss. She, like me, doesn't have a lot of close friends to rely on, and our friend that was lost was so important.

He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. We hear that often... it's a biblical promise. It's something we can rely on. God used me to relay that message to my hurting friend. God is greater than death, and wanted the promise of everlasting life to be reiterated to my friend in her time of sadness. That, and the fact that the following day was her deceased mother's birthday. She was in a low week, for sure. No one wants to feel the loss that comes from a parent passing, never mind a friend who has also left us. I believe God wanted to comfort my friend in her low point. I love being used in this way!

Being a conduit for the Lord is something I love in my faith. I know God is real, and that He holds us in His hands. There are days and times when we walk through darkness and feel alone, but He never leaves. It's our emotions that cloud His presence. Our own will that keeps us from focusing on Him and what He has for us. The days of a faith based person aren't promised to be easy... in fact they're said in the bible to be harder as a result of our faith. But, our end game is brighter. Our eternal joy is promised.

Greater is He! Be encouraged!

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Today I'm reveling in the warm air outside, yesterday too. The clouds aren't hampering my mood, which is awesome. When the weather is good, my mood is so much better! Here are a few of the things I enjoy while the weather is good to us:

The deck on the back of the house. It's 20' up off the ground, so it's perfect for the cats to be able to go out and enjoy the weather. I spend so much time out there during the spring, summer, and fall. It's a tragedy when I have to bring the furniture back in for the winter. The warm air swirling around us, the indoor plants swaying in the breeze... it's magical. If only I was less lazy and could bother to bring out a chair for myself. I end up sitting on the deck floor, playing with the cats, enjoying the sunshine...

The smell of spring in the air. It's such a blessing to have a day or two in March to sit, close my eyes, and breathe in the warm air. It makes life so much easier to take. Life inside is tough in the winter. I get so down. I have a standing relationship with the local tanning salon that I tend to visit more often when the weather breaks. It gets worse, I think, when there are days like this, and then there are rainy, snowy, cold days to deal with. New York weather has always been volatile and it helps to have a way to get out of the dooms and glooms of the weather. I don't often go, as I age... I feel bad enough about how I look, so tanning sits in the back of my mind as a bad alternative. Spray tans... they have their place, but I've never been one to choose that over the sun or the "fake and bake".

Watching things bloom and grow. You can't beat the thrill you get when you see the lovely flowers that bloom in the spring. It's such a buzz to see the forsythia, the snow lilies... Crocuses... it makes us feel as though the death is soon over. I can't tell you how amazing it is to see growth in our yard. It's again, magical. No matter the wind, clouds, sun... those little perennials are sure to show up, and make a day that much more tolerable.

As for my work life, it's way more volatile than the plant life. It depends on me - my mood - my commitment. I've been blessed with talent in the art world, but one cannot be human without wishing for more in areas I haven't been blessed with. Most recently I've had many dreams about elephants. Being a savior, mostly. I love the feelings I have in the midst of those dreams. I wish for myself the life of saving elephants... being a part of sanctuaries... being relevant in these things. It's tough to avoid feeling irrelevant when your dreams bring it right back into focus. I will, based on the promises I've had in my prayer life, be relevant to the survival of elephants in our world. I trust the Lord in these things, because He brings me my dreams. He made me this way. He knows my heart, the heart that He placed in me when I was made. I have no doubt that my dreams will be seen in the reality of my life, be it here or in eternity.

Being alone. It's not something that I say often, and I end up dealing with being alone a lot more than I anticipated several years ago, but being on my own is something that I enjoy most of the time. There are days, mind you, that I wish I had someone else in the house, namely Ben, but his work keeps that from being a reality. It has become an effort for me to live alone a lot of the time, since over a year ago when he spent 4 months in London. Meanwhile, I've adapted. I enjoy the quiet time... the time with just the cats. It may be something a lot of you may see as negative, but there are points in time where its necessary. I enjoy the quiet, being able to be myself... being able to focus on me, and on my home and animals. It can be refreshing honestly. Instead of seeing my lonely days as a detriment, I find myself able to focus on what needs to be done around the house, and for myself and my animals. I mop (which I hate to do), sweep, dust, organize, decorate, and spend time with my cats. It's a way of life that not most of my friends deal with, but it helps me. I know the Lord has given me this life for a reason, and I focus on those reasons. Getting ahead of chores, being aware of the cats needs, being able to deal with the taxes, the things we need to keep. Cleaning the house in order to have guests. We don't often have house guests, but we will have  Ben's parents in April, and it helps for me to have the time I need to get things done. Order pillows... clean out the guest room, get a plumber here to fix the faucets... I'm sure other people may see these as quick and easy fixes, but these things take me a while to accomplish. Life gets in the way, and I'm grateful for the time I need to accomplish the things it takes to make my guests feel welcome and comfortable.

Revel in the beauty of the warm weather. Spend time outside, and enjoy the warm air across your face. Go barefoot! I love being barefoot on the deck, and outside when it's possible. It makes you feel like you're in touch with the world... like you're alive! Enjoy it! It's worth the time to spend outside. Take a breath, deep and refreshing! You will be made new!

What We Need...

What do we, as citizens of the greatest nation on earth, see ourselves in need of? Minimally it's what I have seen called "first world problems." Maximally, we have many people - citizens of our great nation - in need of just the basic necessities. I find myself thinking on these needs, especially in the winter months where life is that much more difficult and dangerous.

Most recently I've been in communication with my first cousin who I love dearly. She has established herself well in life. She's smart, wealthy (as it would seem to most people), and educated. She has recently decided to raise rabbits for meat. This disturbs me... deeply. I find myself in the midst of questioning why... knowing she had been a vegetarian for 8 years before this. I asked... she answered. It's something we are deciding to "agree to disagree" on. I don't see a need. Especially because we live in this great nation, and she has access to whatever she may want or need. Reverting back from vegetarianism has disturbed me, mostly because she was the only person in my family who had made that decision for herself. Now, she fishes... hunts with guns... and raises rabbits for meat. I'm not pleased and have found myself angry in the midst of that. But, I have to take a step back from it, realizing I'm in a minority in my beliefs. I've reached out... we don't see things the same way.

What do we need? What is it that our bodies require in this existence? We have a very privileged reality in this country. I realize that. I see the world issues... I pray for the world and its people and animals. Every. Single. Day. What I realize is that meat, and killing animals for fashion, sustenance, and everyday "necessities" is ridiculous. It always has been. We live by our taste buds... not our needs. That's why our nation is as obese as it is. That's the heart disease issue. That's the thing that could change every single person and their health. It's valid... and I see that now.

We are selfish... glutinous, greedy. We have become a nation of lazy ignorant people. We don't need to kill things in order to be healthy. We don't! It's fact. I hate that most of our nation still doesn't realize this...

What do we need... we need to be more evolved in our thinking. We need to see every creature that God has placed on this earth as what He initially intended. To benefit us in our daily lives, not by killing them, but by appreciating the beauty and creative love the Lord has provided us. We don't look at desert wastelands unless we choose it. We don't find ourselves in the midst of a gray, uninteresting existence because He provides us with the realities of beauty in this world. Why is the cardinal red? What could it possibly help that bird to be, aside from a beautiful creation? It can't hide it from predators... it is simply a beautiful reality that we have the privilege to see. Yes, some animals cannot see color, but there are many animals and birds in the world who have been blessed with beautiful colors that would not be able to hide themselves from predators.

Meanwhile, I struggle with my choices... my family's choices... the things I see and cannot affect. What we need is a far cry from what we consume. We are a nation of indulgences. We are a people who are used to luxury in the things we consume. I have found myself hating that reality... and trying to avoid it. It makes me feel better about what I am in this life when I move away from killing and harming animals for my own selfish gain.

The Reason I'm Off Facebook

I realize most of my friends don't realize I'm off Facebook for the last 2 weeks, and this won't be published there, so it's a matter of people seeking my blog out, which is rare.

The reason I stepped away from social media for the most part is basically because I've been bombarded (some of which I have allowed by the things/people I've followed) has become too much for my mental health to be "good." I haven't been well in this realm for a number of months, and the reality is, I can't handle the things I'm passionate about. The animal rights groups and animal advocates - the petitions and posts about animal abuse... it's just more than I can bear as a broken individual.

I know I am in charge of what I see and hear about. I realize that what I am passionate about is ugly and hard to watch/see. It has become more of a burden on my psyche to see it on an hourly basis, and I stepped away because of my mental instability.

Very few people have noticed and reached out in other ways to ask how I am, what I'm doing, and why I stepped away. I realize that I'm just a small grain of sand in the workings of all of my friends and family's lives. It's okay... if nothing else it has allowed me a bit of peace and solitude that I don't often get. I can't say I'm bombarded by friends in any way... but I've felt a distance from the ugly that plagues the internet every day.

I miss sharing my feelings, and sharing my artwork on a daily basis. I miss getting the accolades I'm used to. Ben mentioned to me that he thought I broke away was because I wanted to see the people clamor for my presence, and reach out to me to see why I was missing in their lives. It's a reality that most of who I know haven't noticed. I'm not mad... maybe slightly disappointed. Who doesn't love attention? It's not who I am to revel in other's approval... but it's a way for me to feel relevant.

Right now I'm working on things for my artwork that don't require any outside intervention. It's mine, and it flows from my internal need to be creative. That alone doesn't seem to be enough to drive me in any direction. I've always had a hard time focusing on what I need for my own health, and what I do to gain that health. I'm broken, from the mind down. I've always had trouble caring about myself, and my physical and mental well being. The doctor recently indicated that, because of my familial tendencies, it isn't a matter of IF I'll become a diabetic, it's WHEN. That scares me. That, and I know in my mind that my heart isn't in the best shape. I sometimes fret over when my heart will tell me its had enough of my stupidity. You don't hear about people who have been vegetarian for 25 years as heart patients, but I believe mine is in route to becoming an issue.

Anyway... I have focused on my own health recently, and stopped focusing on the ugly and foolish parts of Facebook. I have a number of people on there who spew ugly - political garbage... animal abuse... you name it. I don't have enough positive from others. There are only one or two people in my life who are positive enough for me to glean from them a better perspective about life. Sad.

Don't cry for me Argentina. I'll be around. If you can't find me, send me a message here and I'll give you my phone number for texting or calls. Find good in the things you pay attention to.