Changing "My Normal"...

What IS "normal?" It seems to me that everyone has their own interpretation of the word, and those interpretations are widely varied and personal. Normal is relative, to say the least.

When you're a person who deals with needing to be medicated in order to survive, normal is something you constantly long for. It's a reality that often we don't succeed at. Normal for me lately has become what I "used to feel" and has eluded me for months. Medicine is a powerful tool in our lives, and I don't take it lightly. My need for medical help in the realm of feeling normal is a constant, and is always in flux as of today. My therapist thought ADHD medications might help me, but ended up throwing me into an entirely different state of being. One, by the way, which ended up being completely wrong for me. Struggling with medicines and their side effects is exhausting... I'm sure for my therapist as well.

Normal. Feeling like everyone else. Feeling as though I can "blend in" or feel a way that would keep me from feeling like an outsider. I've tried... for decades. I can put on a front like the best of them. I can act normal... but like I said, it's exhausting. I end up needing "down time" from being with people. Even close family and friends takes its toll. My being is one of solitude a lot of the time. Me and my God. It should be enough for me, being so close to Jesus and feeling as though I'm loved, chosen, forgiven, worthy, and made for greater things should be enough. It isn't. I'm a broken Christian. I love, but cannot show it the way others can. I trust minimally... I share online because I can sit here and be "anonymous" in my words that go out to people, because it's safe. Social media has allowed we as emotionally challenged people to speak out where we wouldn't otherwise.

Why do I feel abnormal? I dwell on the sadness. I anticipate the sadness. I focus on the sadness. All. The. Time. Finding joy is a precious thing... one that I often cannot succeed in. People don't understand... but I have many who are with me, and now the reality of being a depressed and anxious person. It is a job, truth be told... and a heavy burden to bear. My normal today is shredded... I am sad and anxious, but just one week ago I was in the "most magical place on earth." Why can I not hold on to magical, and just let is sift through my fingers like sand? It's as if I put my hand into the ocean, and grasped the water, only to find that my hand is once again empty. Normal is an effort in futility for me.

Right now I'm focused on the fact that my senior citizen cat of 16 is sick and needs to see the vet tomorrow. I just put my oldest cat in the ground a week ago tomorrow. I can't do it again... but that's what I see... the negative. His heart failure and respiratory infection is causing him to not eat, and to hide away all day. I don't know what to do and I'm struggling to think positively. My vet gave me a veiled yet serious moment today... stating that she has no more animals in her care that were born in 1999 (which my Opie was), and that she doesn't have many 2000 birth pets in her care. That to me was a warning... Fecus is very sick, and his recovery is a gray area that may not bring the outcome I seek for him.

That, and I have been weening off of the drug Cymbalta for a few weeks now, in order to get onto a newer, possibly better medication for depression. Cymbalta is highly understood as a very difficult drug to ween off of, and may take months to get past. I've reduced my dosage to 1/3 of what it was, and I'm feeling the severity of the effects that that takes. It's tough to get through the holidays, and the death of a beloved pet, and now have to face the reality of a very ill pet who may not get better from here. I have many friends who avoid pets in order to avoid the pain of losing them. It's a harsh reality, but I made the commitment, and I will see it through to its end.

Normal isn't normal... it's what you perceive it to be. Being a happy go lucky, pollyanna type is great, and I wish I was at times. Being a realist is what I've become. Being a "glass half empty" is what I'm trying to change. I want to be happy... to find joy in life. This time of year is a tough one to endure for people like me. Please pray for us as we endure. The fight is real. Fighting to live is a reality, and it's a tough one to do day in and day out. I've nearly lost that fight more times than I care to count. But I'm here... and I'm telling you: be aware of your friends and family members. Be there. It's valid. It counts. It's important. Normal is only what you have in your head... not what everyone else has in theirs.

I am...

I am...
A created being
A broken soul
A friend, family, and love
A bird, banging against her cage...

I am...
A charge
A value
A worker
A believer

I am...
A servant
A doer of God's requirements
A believer in God's promises

I am...
One who trusts
One who understands
One who does not understand
One who trusts anyway...

I am...
The recipient of Grace
The Partaker of Promises
The Giver of Gifts

I am...
Broken
Guilty
Ugly
A Hater of the World

I am...
One who perseveres
One who hopes
One who leans on Promises

You can be...
All of these things...
All of these people...
All of these promises...

You Can Be...
A worker of Peace
A moment of Joy
A gift to the World
A reminder of Christ

We can...
Stand Together
Persevere
Withstand the Storm.

Hello...

Adele's new song "Hello" broke me to my core when I first heard it. It speaks of a lot of what I struggle with. It isn't just a song between humans, it's a song, for me, between me and my God.

I'm pacing back and forth in my own prison. My prison is my mind, and my home. My home is also my sanctuary, where I can look out and see the world, but don't have to touch it in any way. I pace... day after day... hour by hour... looking for a way out. My mind has become a broken wall surrounding me. I can't break out of it... I've tried. Medicine has become my worst enemy at this point. All of the trying... the failing. Therapy hasn't helped. I asked my therapist if there are times when medicine doesn't reach what's going on... what's wrong with people like me. She negated that, saying I hadn't tried enough. Seriously? 25 years? So many doctors, therapists, medications... who says I haven't tried hard enough? I myself believe I've tried enough, and nothing has helped me become "normal."

I've had jobs, a career, social standing, friends, abilities. To what end? This end. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting through life. Tired of facing every day knowing it will only be a disappointing end. I drink. Heavily. It doesn't help me but it's something to do to get me out of the thoughts of killing myself. What does life have for me at this point? Nothing. I see nothing. God is silent. I pray, but I have disconnected myself from my God in a lot of ways. The things I see, the things I know about, the constant battle of my own mind and of the realities of this cruel and unaccepting world. I try... but it is for nothing. Filthy rags, as the bible says. You can try all you want, and feel good about all you want to, but it's for nothing. Life is for nothing. You don't end up with anything. Yes, my life is comfortable but only in so many realms.

So I pace my prison floor... day after day... to no end but to see the sun set and be able to go back to sleep. To forget... that's part of the drinking. To forget what you know is real, and forget what I know I can't overcome.

I won't share this one on FB, because it doesn't matter. No one will come and read it. It's my outlet to my insanity... it's where I place my deepest fears... my anxiety.

I can't go out and deal with the world anymore without at least 2 days to dwell on it and think about how I will do it. Yes, I've accomplished those things, and many others, but to what end? Feeling accomplished because I was able to go grocery shopping?! That's ridiculous to me and to any normal human being. But, that's my life. That's who I've become.

No one wants to be friends with someone who constantly needs reassuring. A friend who is a burden to all things "normal." I'm not a happy person... why would someone want to visit with me? The numbers grow smaller every day.

I try to reach out... Christmas cards are going to be the latest effort. I know in my soul that it doesn't matter... people don't care. People have their own lives to deal with. I understand that. That's why I've stayed in my prison cell. I often don't want to reach out because I've exhausted every friend I have/had. I don't want to be "that friend" who always is in need. Fuck that. I'm not going to be a burden. I'd rather die. Dying may end this struggle for me, and end the constant need to feel validated. To feel like I'm alive. I'm someone. I matter. Fuck that. I don't matter. I may be missed by a few for a while... but it's all just sewage. Filthy rags.

You just don't know what other people deal with until you read their inner most feelings on things like blogger, or diaries, or suicide notes. You don't know. You have your own struggles to deal with and we know that. We as a community of suicidal people know that, and don't want to burden anyone any longer. Life is too hard sometimes. I think God knows that. I hope so anyway...

"Hello from the other side... I must have called a thousand times... to tell you I'm sorry... for everything that I've done, but you never seem to be home..." Hello from the outside... At least I can say that I've tried... to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart..."

A Blessing To Our Veterans...

What would our nation be, if we didn't have the men and women who serve in our military? Who would be be in the world? Would we be a great nation? Would we stand as an example to other nations in regard to national respect, courage, and willingness to help others? Our men and women of military are among the strongest, bravest, and most respected people in our nation.

I reflect on the things I know of my father's and my stepfather's service in the Army. I put a book together years ago, finding out the inner workings and friendships that took place while my dad was in service. There's no words to describe the shame I have of our nation when it comes to the way our Vietnam service men and women were treated when they came home. Never again. We have learned, and have grown as a nation in the respect of our service people. I'm grateful for that. Being spit on, urine thrown at them, booed, kicked at... it's all so wrong. Why? What did our nation tell the people in order for them to be despised as they were? It makes me rethink what the media tell us... and I think that's a wise thing.

The effort, sacrifice, and strength of a person who chooses service to this country is ONLY a thing to be grateful for. I couldn't do it. I never even thought of it. My family turned away from service because of what my father experienced. Since then, I've seen the warm embrace of the service people of our country. I can only be grateful... I am one, but this one stands in a place of gratitude.

Take a long hard look at who you're supporting, or who you're turning your back on. Our nation is broken, but these men and women don't decide what they chose based on what the media spews. We would never be the strong nation we are without these men and women. Be one who stands in the gap between who we send out to protect our freedoms, and who we listen to on the TV. Television is what caused our Vietnam vets to be spit upon... let's be better than that.

The Burden of Death

Recently a very special person in my life has suffered a great loss. His life long friend of 40+ years passed away. Both of these men were alcoholics. My loved one got passed his alcoholism and has lived as a recovering alcoholic for several years. His friend, however, was determined to die as an alcoholic. His life was one of struggle and addiction, and not much more. His friend was one of the only people who gave him time and love in his later life.

This man's life was not marked with struggle always. He grew up in a very wealthy family. He seemed to be the black sheep, and was more than once removed from his family both physically and emotionally. As life progressed his parents removed him from their wills, leaving him without much of a legacy from a pronounced family. He was one of 5 siblings, and was the second to pass away, only after his brother who passed from cancer. This man never made much of his life, and was continually burdened by the weight of addiction. My loved one did what he could to support and help him, but to no avail.

As he passed, from alcohol poisoning it turns out... his siblings (parents are both have passed on before) had already removed him from their lives. His one sister stayed in touch with him, but had no need or want of his ashes after he had been cremated. This troubled my loved one, and felt as though he was the only one who truly cared about him. How can a sibling simply ignore and abandon their brother? I know, even as I sit here knowing my brother and I aren't close, that there's nothing that would stop me from giving him an honorable send of, and care about where his final resting place was.

Family has surely been fractured as I've witnessed in my 44 years. Lack of a parent in the household, lack of discipline, and the failure of the family to be a firm foundation for young people have created a true lack and emergency for our social standing. I believe that these things have been critical to the problems that we see in young people today.

It seems as though my stand in life is one that has not been widely accepted in our society. There are many issues that deter the reality of good manners, proper environmental standing, respect of authority, and the willingness to move through the educational system in order to gain ground and find work, especially in our rural community. I'm not sure why so many young people choose this for themselves, but I also see what they choose as the "wide path" in life. The narrow path has long been neglected, and I see it as a very negative aspect of our society today.

The burden of death is part of all of our lives. My loved one's friend chose a lifestyle that would eventually end his life. Indeed it did. His family had long been a fractured institution, and he was unfortunately a result of that. I mourn the loss, for my loved one, and for his family... although I'm afraid his family has no place for mourning in his being gone.

Family is an institution that upholds our society in many ways. We are better when we have family to build our lives on. Please understand that, no matter how troubled your family may be... that it is that relational enhancement to life that can mean all the difference.

Animals Are My Passion...

Anyone who knows me, and knows my heart, knows that above all, my heart is for animals. All animals. No matter where in the world, I advocate, fight, write and believe for all sentient beings.

I'm writing now in the midst of our newest family member walking on the keyboard. Bean has come to us as of Friday from a feral litter that my mother has hand reared since their 5th week. Bean is now almost 14 weeks old. She was the runt of her litter, and is a very "string bean" size... narrow, small, but full of spunk! She has quickly become one of the family.

I have friends and family who take joy in killing sentient beings. I don't support such practices. I cannot thwart these things in my family, or in people in general, but I do not believe in such practices, and they all know it. My life has become, over time, one that stands against the murder and all use of animals for any human needs or wants. We have become a world of want. Anything we "want" or "need" is easily accessible by non violent means. No more are we required to butcher animals for our food or clothing... our success or pleasure. The people who do are in the wrong in my opinion, and have no reason to believe they are in the right. Short sightedness... careless. Unbecoming people in my opinion. Yes, even my family whom I love dearly. You are wrong... and you've moved beyond a vegetarian lifestyle to one that your new spouse has advocated. There was no reason for that... but I digress.

It is my belief that the Lord planned on us as a Human Race to be plant based beings. He had Adam name the animals creatures that He gave him. There was no talk of killing of any animal or bird until Adam and Eve fell. My brother the biblical expert cannot thwart that reality. That being said, I believe that our lives should not be about containing, killing, mutilating, eating, or otherwise harming any other sentient being in this world we have been given charge over. I will never believe that what the Lord had planned was what we are living in now. We see pestilence... plague... wars and rumors of war... anger... hatred to other cultures and beings... it never ends. What we don't see is a hatred or war against plants. They were placed here to give us sustenance. They live, but do not have conscience. They live, but do not fear... Such as the Presence of the Lord.

Other people may not believe what I believe. I don't blame them, nor do I move from my stance. You can believe what you want, and so do I.

There will never be a time, until the coming of the Lord, where my mind may change on these issues. I know He made me, and I know He made me this way... for a reason. I am a strong standing advocate for truth and justice for all sentient beings. Why do we need people like me? Why are there so many people who live to harm... live to kill... live to eat the things that our bodies weren't even meant to eat? I don't understand. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, and am at the cusp of being a vegan. No other person who isn't vegan can say their lives don't negatively impact any other lives. Some may say that these beings were placed in our world for our consumption. I disagree. They were placed in this world for our enjoyment... our joy... our pleasure. We were meant to love these beings and care for them the way the Lord meant His love to be for us. We were given Dominion. That doesn't mean we were meant to kill them and eat them. That ONLY HAPPENED when Adam and Eve had already fallen short of God's demands. The Garden of Eden proves it. Were there animals there for Adam and Eve to mutilate? Eat? Take for their own coverings or to use as anything but being among them? No! They were there for Adam to name. They were there for pleasure in the reality that they were different! They were beautiful! They were so amazingly created! Who are we to cut a life short for our own amusement! We are no one! The Lord cuts our lives short even as we cut His beings short in their lives!

I have a hard line of thinking on these things... it's not without years of advocacy, watching, waiting, and practice. From the wonderful elephant, to the tiny butterfly... we are to watch over them! We are to CARE FOR THEM. This was the Lord's first charge. From there, and from the Fall... we have become a cruel, inhumane, unconscious being who does whatever we can to rape, bleed, and suck dry this earth that we have been given.

This is my most precious belief in this life. I yearn for the Lord to return, and to show all of us what He really had in mind for us as a race. Until then, I fight. Fight with me... it's valid.

Dealing with Uncertainty...

Uncertainty is a difficult place to be in a part of your life. I've seen a lot of uncertainty in life lately. Wildfires, war, unrest in marriages, struggling individuals in their own minds. The reality is clear - uncertainty is unacceptable if you're searching for peace.

Currently I'm dealing with friends' issues with uncertainty, as well as my own. The realms range from family realities, friendships, goals, passions, and the like. I tend to take on my friends and family's issues when I'm reached out to. I want to be all I can be for these folks, and I end up burdening my own mental health as a result. It seems similar to the wildfires this year, as this years' fires have been triple what is normally battled. It feels so bleak, but I know the Lord keeps me in His care, under His wings... and I pray He does that for these people of mine as well.

Uncertainty captures our thoughts almost all the time. We dwell, fret, pray, and think of these things while trying to move through our lives. Life is always thwarted by these issues... it isn't as though it isn't normal. Although, as I'm currently seeing, the things being dwelled on and fretted over are more than simply minor issues. They are life changing and quaking realities that they face. One thing I know is that the power of prayer is involved. If only by me, it will go forth in each issue and each life, knowing the Lord is in control, and He has the final say.

As of myself, I have hit a bit of a skid in my artistic and financial certainty. Although I realize my financial security does not exist outside of my partner Ben, I have been feeling successful with the things I've been doing that has increased not only my income but my artistic fluidity. Right now I'm continuing in faith. I do not have any more paying projects on hand, but I believe, with the success I've had online, and the belief of my friends and family, that I will come to a new place of success. I go forward in faith.

My friends and family are on my heart. I pray for their success, their peace, and their answers in the issues they have believed in me to pray over and be a support of. These are major hurdles. Major life changers. Staggeringly so. I have a lighthearted hope for one of these things, which is rare for me. I think it stems from this person's own excitement and enthusiasm. My God will not fail them. My God stands with me in the prayer for the successes of my friends and family. He answers me. He loves me. Whom shall I fear? No. One.

I encourage my readers, vast and staggering they may be... to trust in The Lord for your peace, your answers, your courage. Be blessed because He knows your name. He knows who you are, and what you're dealing with. Don't be discouraged! Be encouraged! He is there!

Please pray for my loved ones. I continue in faith to know His answers are clear, just, and true. Thank you!