What Our World Is Facing...

I'm seeing so much about wars, rumors of wars, threats, food contaminations, food shortages, environmental issues, the list goes on. What is it that we face as we move forward? I don't think any of us, even experts know. That in and of itself is a scary premise.

We as individuals, and even as a nation, cannot change what we've done to this world. Our nation in particular are far more detrimental to our environment than most other nations combined. Who can we blame? Ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't face that reality with more than a shrug of the shoulders. Why? What makes us so callous to these realities? Who are we to point fingers, make excuses, or ignore the things that are happening? We are as guilty as anyone in the entire world.

So. What now? How can we as individuals, or as a communal body do to thwart these things that are plaguing our world? Do we care enough to know? I doubt it. We've gone nearly 50 years with the knowledge of several earth issues without any real movement as a body. Our government doesn't care about what detriment we are to our earth. They aren't in tuned to what's happening, and what their decisions are causing. They're out for cash... easy money. Do you know what your governing persons make/have access to? If not, it may be eye opening to you to search google for those things.

The polar bears are starving to death in their natural environment because of the breakdown of the icebergs, the heightening of the oceans, and the limiting of their hunting/living grounds. The poor animals who exist in zoos are hardly a true reality to what our earth has afforded them in the last 25 years. Get yourself some knowledge on these things! You'll be shocked and disappointed to see the realities.

Recycling, narrowing your "carbon footprint" is a lie. You can do only so much. The real detriment is in the big businesses of the world. Oil extraction from the earth and seas... Refinement of ancient sources from our earth... smoke, pollution, exhaust emissions, continued raping of the world's rain forests and natural resources. You can take your pick, they're all causing a real burden on the earth, the people, and the animals of our world. It's all fun and games to save a shelter animal, but truth be told? You're doing more damage than good overall.

Our world has no care for animals unless they can be killed and something ridiculous can be extracted from their beings in order to bring "sexual enhancement" or "health." These are ancient and unproven things that cultures steeped in ancient practices fall back on. Nothing about these things is true. NOTHING. Break free from unfounded realities... it only harms us.

I'm sorry, but this world is valuable, and the people therein. Do what you can to gain ground in the issues of our world. It's an unfathomable reality, but if we spread the word, and practice what we preach, we can make a difference. Be a positive reality in your world! IT MATTERS!!!

Feeling Successful...

There are many times in a day where we can feel successful. For those of us who dwell in the little things, waking up feeling refreshed is a success. For parents, having a child (no matter what age) choosing the right path is a success. Things in our lives can force us to see things in various ways, depending on our circumstances. I can attest, as of today, I am feeling successful!

These last few months of trying my hand at glass mosaics was a shot in the dark. I knew I could do it, and that it may not cost me too much to start doing them. The Lord has held back His favor and grace from me in this realm for 5 years now, and it has been a very long hard road. Today, after selling a piece twice over within the week I finished it has shown me that I may very well be within the realm of His will for me. How precious a moment to realize that His grace is upon my life's work! I can't tell you the emotional reward it has given me. Not only to realize His blessing, but to have friends, family, and friends of friends reach out to me with requests for pieces of my mosaic glass work!

Now, I'm taking it very slowly. I've only had 12 pieces that have been completed and have reached potential buyers' eyes. Yes, I have taken the prices down from what I want, to what I think they will sell for, due to the location I'm in, and my friends' abilities. I'm not ashamed of that, nor am I sorry. I have to get my name out there, and after only a few pieces, how can I not feel good? This week alone I put a piece together of a cat because of a friend's suggestion, and have sold it twice over. Not too shabby for a 4 day output. I'll take it.

For this 5 years, I have been striving toward attaining a job that would allow me to use my skills as a graphic designer. That, after probably 30 applications/interviews, (way more applications), has gone unfulfilled. I've questioned God and His plans for me, being uncertain and afraid to be an independent  with what I have to offer the world. I want to work, but WHAT my work was had become less in demand. This new realm of glass mosaic work has broadened my reach, broadened my output, and has been very well received by people both near and far. I honor the Lord in this and all of my efforts. He is the reason I am successful, and the reason I continue in this world. I know His plan is not finished in me, and I blindly trust Him to show me what I need to be and do in order to feel His glory, and to glorify Him in my work.

Just today, after months of nothing, I had a friend reach out to me in regard to a part time opportunity at a college nearby, doing graphic design work. I wasn't anticipating that, but wow! What a blessing! It's still uncertain, and it may be that I'm not the right fit, but to have God's grace show up during the success of my current efforts was awesome! Praise the Lord!

I can't say that this time in my life has been easy... nor would I wish it on anyone. I have dealt with some serious downs, anxiety, and depression. It has pushed me into a different mold, where being a round block pushed into a square was painful and difficult to endure. But, within that, I have gained ground in patience, strength, and endurance. I know what His will for me is becoming a reality.

Don't give up on your goals. I was never sure what my goals actually were... but with regular prayer and waiting, He has rewarded my efforts. Please know that nothing is easy... for people like me, nothing is taken for granted, nor is it easy to face. If you have need of talking about where you're at, and what you're dealing with, I'm always here. My faith in Christ is beyond measure the reason why I feel successful today.

Be encouraged!

When You Realize You've Changed...

I've changed. A short but deep sentence. I was told today that I've changed, by a friend who I've had for 20 years. It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, but I realize I've had a great deal of changes that I've had to adjust to, and they aren't always good things.

What has changed in me? Why are these things changing? What have I done differently that people have noticed? Why are they noticing? Is it bad, or good? I'm at a place where I'm just not sure.

Being a person with anxiety and depression, there are many issues and subjects of change that are in my view, but I don't always see them clearly. I can name a few but are these the things that my friends and family are seeing? If not, what else am I missing?

I've changed my lifestyle, in that I do not work outside my home anymore. I have struggled with not working, and have had probably the most struggle with this reality. My God has refused to allow me a job outside of my home for 5 years now... and I believe that has been my biggest detriment in regard to self love and confidence. I have become more deeply and detrimentally anxious, and have struggled to fight that tooth and nail. I have failed in this realm... I am a depressed and anxious individual. Nothing that I've been able to do has changed that, and it is very frustrating to me.

Who am I now? What am I now? What describes me as a person? As an artist? As a designer? My husband tells me I'm no longer a graphic designer, and should take it off of my business cards. I disagree, although that disagreement stems from my unwillingness to give up the possibility of attaining another design job as a freelance artist. I have gone through 20+ interviews and jobs that have kept my hopes alive in this, although none of them are a reality currently. That has made me angry, skeptical, and frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine that, after all of the 20+ years of design work, to give it up is excruciating. I do it, I love it, and no one sees that. Why? Why God? What makes me lesser? I'm capable, willing, and would always put my best forward, but you can't gain ground with "thoughts" on the subject.

What do you, my friends and my numerous followers (gag) see that has changed in me? Within myself, I don't see a change. I see a drive. I see a determined, well educated, well established individual with goals, strengths, and willingness to do work. I want to work! I want this for myself! Why does God keep me from it? I just can't believe I've sat here for 5 years and have come up empty handed with freelance graphic work...

My latest venture in mosaic glass work has been fruitful, but not enough for me to be proud and to be fruitful. I guess my end goal, as in all things, is to be fruitful, and to be able to sell my work to others for a profit. I have resorted to a local craft show/sale as a possible venue, and deep within me, that makes me sad. No one wants to have to balance their worthiness on an Orleans County craft show. It's just not something that people see as fruitful (among those people, myself). I will do it, get through it, and enjoy it, because of my friend who has put herself out there to help me. I will forever be grateful to her for the encouragement she's shown me.

What do you see that has changed in me? I'd love to hear from you. It will help me see what others see in me, and from that, I can change again, and move forward.

Thanks.

The prison of anxiety

It has been clear to me for a very long time that I am crippled by anxiety. I have recently been able to see a counselor to help me medicate through these issues. I have been crippled by the fear of leaving my home in recent weeks/months. I have gained ground with a new medication but today have fallen deeply into the fear and struggle of anxiety thinking about a trip I have known about for months. The days leading up to the trip are so brutal... muscle spasms, panic attacks, and the anxiety that stays with me throughout all of those things.

My faithful friends pray for me during these times, and I couldn't be more grateful for their prayers and thoughts. Still, through all of the minutes/hours/days of anticipating the trip, I find myself feeling a sense of fear. I know the Lord isn't in fear, and I pray for the strength to overcome it. My faith hasn't been enough for me to overcome it.

Please pray for me as you have in the past. I covet your prayers. I don't know why the Lord is dealing with me in this way, but I know He has my answers. I've been working hard at becoming an artist who is able to sell things that will bring income. As you may know, artists who try to live on the income that comes from selling pieces, it's mostly impossible. Thank you Jesus for Ben! I know he is here for my best, and I can't thank God enough for who Ben is and who I am able to be outside of Ben. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of losing my job at Roberts Wesleyan College. I still have trouble with losing my job, but I know that the Lord is working in me for a better life than I could have had by staying an employee there. I have to trust Him in that, because I just don't see it.

There are people like me who are WAY worse off than me... and I know that I should be appreciative of where I am in my life. Still, it's a common thought to feel lesser... to feel unworthy... to feel low about where I am and what I am. With our world moving further from God and making more and more effort to believe in "self" and "human accomplishment," I struggle with being relevant in this world.

Try to reach out to the people who you know are struggling through life. It's valid, and can mean so much just to hear from someone when we're down. Thank you friends!

The Way We Perceive Ourselves

I have a terrible time trying to see myself as worthy of much of anything. I have a head full of ugly about myself, especially since I was fired from my job almost 5 years ago. I have gone through several therapy sessions and therapists in order to maintain a minimum level of self worth.

Lately I have been struggling quite a bit from anxiety that keeps me from leaving the house. I have a friend who struggles with the same thing, but she's far away, and she rarely gets online to converse with me. It's hard to be alone in your loneliest times. My husband travels quite a bit, and he does his best to encourage me, but I'm still in the midst of a very real battle.

Recently I went an hour and a half away to visit my uncle at his lake cottage. The morning of, I had panic attacks about leaving. I've dealt with leaving the house quite a bit in the last several months. It takes all I have to get myself out the door. I don't know why this has progressed so significantly in the last 4 months, but it has. I have 2 trips this summer for very important familial events, and I can NOT miss them. It takes more than what I have internally to accomplish these things, and as of this weekend, I was a wreck internally while I was away. My family understands, but honestly I don't.

I'm going back to my psychiatrist this Tuesday and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I wasn't sure it would be covered by insurance, and if it wasn't, I was sure I would forfeit going. I'm stingy and frugal as the day is long, and moving forward in help for my issues has been a lot of anxiety in itself in the last few years. It's expensive to be seen by a professional, and I feel badly for people like me who cannot afford going. It's important to my positive life, but like me, a lot of us forfeit it because it "isn't necessary."

There are parts of life that I absolutely revel in. I honestly take the most pleasure out of helping my friend through their troubles - be it monetarily, spiritually, emotionally, or other... Their lives are more important to me than my own. I give my gifts, my love, my abilities to my friends because it means so much to me to give. I hope they are as blessed as I am with my gifts.

Pray for me. Honestly. I struggle with life's most simple moments. I am alone a lot. I covet that, yet at times I loathe it. Mental illness is a real bitch, and I'm the poster child of that. Please keep us all in mind when you think of people and their struggles. It's so valid, and so needed. It's an unseen reality that most of us struggle with. Friends, family, social instances... we only want to be accepted and understood in the midst of what we deal with on a minute to minute basis. Thank you for being willing to pray and think for the mentally ill. We appreciate you!

A Good Man

You know when you have a good partner? Do you honestly know? I'm going to share with you my perspective.

You have a good partner in life when he gives you his best. He knows when you need a special word, or a little encouragement, and he gives it. You have a good partner when he gives life everything he has, and only has the life he builds with you as his influence. You have a good partner when he worries about you... when you're broken - mentally or physically - or both. He sees your struggle, and he tries his best to compensate for it. He makes sure you're safe. He makes sure you feel well, and when you don't, he responds. You have a good partner when his sole focus is to help you through your toughest times. It doesn't matter if he has to eat out of a can for days... if he has to clean the catbox that makes him gag just by thinking of it... he does what needs to be done. He's a strong, sensitive, beautiful soul who knows your soul. You have a good partner when you don't even realize that he's caring for things when you can't. Pain, chores, trips to urgent care, waiting in the waiting room for what may seem to him like hours... He's willing, and he responds.

My partner is one of these select few. He is a real man in my humble opinion. He works. HARD. He puts all he has into his work in order to make a better life for us. He sees us as an eternal partnership. There's nothing he wouldn't give in order to make our lives better.

We have things we need... we joke about it actually. When he went to London for 4 months last year, we had hopes of our "dream couch" to come out of his efforts of being away. I know that seems silly, but we save up for our purchases. Instead of our dream couch, we ended up with our brand new dream furnace. Without that, we would have been struggling in the middle of this past winter, and you know the winter we had... it was brutal. Thank you Jesus for foresight, and for Ben. Everything else is just gravy. We have all we need, and we live a blessed life. I don't put all of that on Ben's steadfastness... the Lord has a part in our lives that sustains us, even if Ben doesn't see it. My prayers and servanthood blesses our lives without ceasing. I know it. I see it. We are a blessed couple. I may not be able to show the outside world everything that we trust in the Lord for, but He shows the world with the life that I live. I know Jesus is a part of this household... and it's a blessing.

Big blessings or small, I praise the Lord for all of them. Ben is the biggest blessing my life has ever seen. I thank God for him every day.

Look at your life. See your blessings. It's such an amazing reality for me... Ben and I have something that is rarely seen in the world today, and I know it. I have an amazing life... and an amazing partner. Praise the Lord!

Where I Find Myself

I'm seeing changes in my life lately. Changes in friendships, and changes in my career path. I've kept holding the torch for my graphic design career, simply because I know this field, and I excel in this field. I can make money in this, and I want to do that. Other artistic venues are here, and are exciting, but they hold a very small candle to the possibilities of earning a decent income.

I recently found great inspiration from mosaic art. I've since purchased the tools and materials to start creating mosaics. I have 3 pounds of glass pieces coming any day, and have acquired the other necessities to create these types of things. It's exciting! I see pinsterest pieces that are so magnificent! I want to do that! I know I will be able, as I learn and go along in the process. I hope to be able to bless my family, friends, and volunteer organizations with pieces that will bless them and increase their monetary income.

A blessing came to me last week where a business owner came to me through LinkedIn and asked me to interview with them this week. I'm waiting to hear if I'm the selected candidate. It's been a long time since I've been offered an interview, so I've been stoked to be found and sought out online. I hope to be able to say that I have a job, but I also realize, after 5 years of trying, that I may not get the job. We are a common group in this area. Graphic designers are not in high demand, unfortunately. The Lord directs my path, and I know whatever I leave my heart open for He will bless and move me forward in.

I've also found blessings in my friendships. I have reconnected with a friend from grade school who still lives right down the road from where we grew up. She has been open and inviting to me, and we have had several conversations over coffee that have begun to grow new connections in our relationship. I'm grateful. She has been a blessing to me. I have seen recently the falling away of more than one relationship due to their own struggles with life in general. I hate seeing them struggle, but I also hate to be a participant in the drama that is involved in a changing life. I steer clear of those issues, and I think it best that I do, because I am VERY OPINIONATED. Shocker, I know...

My post is of gratitude toward my God and my friends. I love you all so very much... and I want to be all that I can for you and to you. Please keep me in mind for your sounding boards, your ear to listen, your shoulder to cry on. I am an excellent listener, after years of practice. Be blessed! We are all in this life together!