When People Die...

There have been several deaths in the lives of people I know and care about. They were each people I've known, but not well. High school classmates who live nearby, and an ex-coworker's son. They were all young people. One took his own life, the other two were only 43 years old. Too soon... all very sad. All deaths are sad. Some are merciful, others are unexpected. None of them are easy. I can't say that I've been deeply effected by these deaths... I don't know why. Usually I'm overcome with grief. I take on the grief of others, which is a big flaw of mine. I'm preparing myself mentally for calling hours and the funeral of my high school friend. This one is the closest to my heart. My dear friends were her dear friends. We spent a lot of time together in high school. Since 25 years have gone by, we haven't been close, but always remained friendly. Her death was sudden and as of yet, the reasons are unknown. I know people who are devastated over this... people who don't have a lot of friends, and who aren't close to Jesus. Jesus helps me get through tough times. He is my hope for the future.

I haven't been feeling like life is very important. I don't see my life as important. I know that's not good. When I hear of someone passing, there's a point where I wonder if they're better off. The cancer patient isn't suffering anymore. The depressed man isn't suffering anymore. Life wasn't easy for them...  Hopefully they're in a better place, but I don't know their fate. I believe in heaven and hell, so without certainty of their eternal state, I still wonder if they're better off. One can only hope they are. I envy those who get to leave this awful world and fall into the arms of God. What a wonderful place to be! Words don't come close to how my heart longs to be there too. But, they must go, and I must bide...

I've tried to be a help to my friends who are struggling with our classmate's recent death... They all seem so sad. The loss to them is huge. Not being close to our classmate for 25 years keeps me at a distance emotionally, but I guess, for me, that's okay. I'm not the strongest person emotionally. In fact, I think I'm pretty weak. Very few people know just how weak I really am. I put on a good front, and when I'm down, I force myself to continually say "I can do this." Sometimes I believe those words... sometimes not. I still think I convince the people concerned about me that I'm okay... but that's becoming more and more difficult as the years progress. It's exhausting. By the end of the funeral wednesday I know I'm going to be completely drained. It will take me a few days to get back to "normal" emotionally. But "I can do this."

I feel very sorry for the families left behind, because there is now a huge hole in their lives that will be their new normal. That's not a normal anyone wants to live with. Some of them don't know Jesus, but some do. Hopefully we as friends and loved ones can pray and comfort those who need it most. And, through that, perhaps someone will know Jesus through our efforts. One can only hope. I am only a child of God to these people... and Jesus uses us in times of need. I hope He uses me to help some of these people who are suffering with grief and loss. Please pray for these families. Pray for all of us. We certainly can't have too many people praying. Thanks.

When Life Isn't What You Thought It Would Be...

When I was a child, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be a "housewife"... mostly because I had dreams of becoming an artist, and had no intentions of having a family. I strove to be more, and got through college with high hopes. My dreams weren't all realized, even to this day. I struggled to find work that paid a living wage, and still do. I think, because of what I have under my belt, what I can do and what I can't, I've been left behind in a field of younger artists who have more skill in the areas that I never wanted to get into. Now, companies all want people like me who can "do it all" - who can create websites, maintain social media platforms, as well as create quality designs for print. I realize now, as I've been doing this for 20+ years, that print is indeed a dying art form. I also have lagged in my interest and fortitude in the latest and greatest ways for companies to be seen and heard. I am what they may call a dinosaur in the industry... and that hurts my soul.

I can say that, since I lost my full time job, I have gotten lost in the sea of designers and all that it takes to be a good one. I can say I'm good at what I do, but that doesn't go nearly as far as it used to. I've started doing logos, and have been somewhat successful in the things I've created, but that's not enough. I would love to be on top of my game, and in demand. I am so not in demand. I thought in October that I had several new leads and projects that would sustain me for a while, but things get in the way. Things have been "put on hold" more than once... I've been duped by a church who said they wanted me to do their weekly work. No work from them in nearly a year. It happens. I'm not the only one... I know it. It doesn't sting any less because I'm not alone.

My partner in life has been one of the biggest inspirations to me - he works so hard, and has gained so much ground in his field. He's in demand - his company sees him as a very valuable asset. I admire that, and I want that for myself... I envy him, and sometimes that's not a good thing. He's successful - bright - inspired - wise - and thoughtful. He can massage clients and business people like nobody else I know. He's got a gift... and I'm so proud of him. So proud, and so jealous...

What does the Lord have for me? I sit and wait. This doesn't feel good - sitting. And waiting. I want to be more. I'm the keeper of the house. The caretaker of issues, troubles and needs. I work hard when I can, painting, filling, sanding, scraping, decorating, loving and caring for what I live in and live around. I can't ask for more in life - I'm blessed, really. But there are days, like today, where I wonder if I wasn't meant for something more. I didn't want to be a ditch digger in this life, but the Lord leads, and He is the one who opens and closes the doors. I've knocked on so many doors, hoping they'd open... only to be turned away. It stings... I won't lie.

Maybe I'm made for "artistic" things, like "etsy" - I have friends who are making strides on that site. Mom wants to work together selling goods she finds for cheap on ebay. I can do that. I just feel as though it's what I WANT to do. I'm conflicted.

Please pray for me as I struggle through who I am and what I'm worth. I covet your prayers.

There's a time in my life - often - when I can't express what I have in my heart. I need to, in the midst of the days I live through. I want to express myself. I'm a right brained artist who feels compelled to tell the world - how ever small the world is that I impact - the feelings that embrace me on a daily basis. I pray before I write every time so that my words may be acceptable to God. I trust He is doing that now.

This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.

I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore.  Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.

Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.

As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...

What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess?  I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.

Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...

animal rights...

I try not to force feed my Facebook with my passion, but it happens daily. I mean, honestly, I wish my "people" would get it. I wish I had full support in my passion, and could love the people I have on line as much as I could. But, I can't. Many of us have allowed our lives to be consumed by animal cruelty like eating meat and buying leather goods and wool, silk, down, and the like. I'm an advocate, and not a sideline sitter. I wish I could be more of an influence, although I know I've had an impact on several people who are part of my "life". Please consider the lives you effect with your habits - either eating or buying or what have you. It's a big issue and if you look and SEE the effect that you have on these things, you may change your standing on the subject. I beg you... look.

When You Just Can't Figure It Out...

Holidays are always tough for me. I end up stewing and feeling overwhelmed by anxiety from the beginning of November through January. My family is the majority of the issue. I have two of the 3 immediate family members who are bound with emotional chains that keep them from participating in holiday happenings. I try, every year... but so far in 2014 my family didn't get together for Thanksgiving, and all three of the three immediate family members forfeited a holiday meal because the gathering was too much for them. It makes my heart ache. I anticipate, with past experience, another lonely Christmas. Last year we had breakfast that lasted until dinner. That was great... but rare.

Yesterday I visited my brother at our childhood home, which he and my nephew occupy and care for. Well, care for is a stretch. My mom and step dad care for the property and buildings... my brother and nephew barely take the garbage out. All without paying anything to my mother for rent... Mom spent $20K of my stepdad's money this year to put a new roof on all the buildings, and a new septic system that was decades overdue. Things have started and stopped due to financial shortcomings. This is all happening while my brother refuses to work. Has not paid rent for 15 years. Neither my nephew. I have separated myself from the mix of enabling relationships. But, it does not separate my heart and mind from the issues at hand. The reality is in my face daily. As I stood in my childhood home, I noticed a lot of things. The landscape has not changed since my mother and I left. 15+ years of the same layout, aside from a newer couch in the middle of the dining room/living room space. The dog is new... but he doesn't help things. He would push open doors to the kitchen and bathroom and my brother, while we talked, continually had to move from one area to another in order to keep the doors shut. I guess it was either shame (unclean) or heat (heap). He has kept the same "live" Christmas tree up all year long, lit and dusty, since 2007. That in and of itself can provoke ideas of mental issues. He showed me a silver ornament that was mine as a child. I cried on the way home.

Why is it that dust and hoarding level junk all around doesn't effect him like it effects me? He invited me in without hesitation, but I see that as part of the mental health issues... why would you when you haven't cleaned the house in a decade? Why? What makes you live this way? You're more than this! You should require more of yourself... yet... all of that goes unsaid. I just can't get through no matter what is said. My mother either. We've given up hope for my brother on a lot of levels.

These things rattle around in my mind daily, especially this time of year. I can't change it, but it's still an issue in my heart, because he's my family. I've gone through therapy for all of this, and have learned to leave it alone. It's not my issue, and I can't control anyone but myself. Still, here I sit... in tears.

Please know that mental illness is a real thing that many of us cannot or will not overcome. Pray for my brother. He needs change. His life has been cathartic and suppressed living in our family home. I know he'll never leave unless forced, which is an entirely different issue I struggle with. It's real, and it hurts my soul...

When there's nothing else.

I don't want to you know my inner struggles. Truly I want to keep them bound up within myself. There are times when I find my struggles are only valid to me and God. I'm struggling to keep it within my own heart right now.

I'm drunk. I'm struggling. I realize the boarders of my existence. It's ugly, and scary, and real. If you're a person who deals with people like me, here's your chance to know the inner workings of the depressed anxious brain. Take notes.

I've lived alone for months now. I've been alone, even when I've been with my partner in a foreign country. It's ugly, and scary, and real. The issues with dealing with a foreign country are plentiful, and I don't expect for my friends to understand. Even still here I am, writing from my heart.

My partner comes home in 5 days. It's been a long time coming. Being a person who is involuntarily silent, I feel the anxiety of being part of a partnership again. Yes, it's what I've hoped for... his absence has been a struggle for me. He has had difficulty in it as well, but I know that my reality is more of a struggle. It's hard. Life is lonely when you are minus your significant other. Any one of you can step back from this and say that is true. Meanwhile Ive dealt with this now for what has been a month of not seeing my love for a month. Why? Work. The livelihood that he has chosen has been detrimental as well as beneficial to our lives. I'm struggling to even write these words.

I asked recently why people may think my life is easy... on Facebook. I got several PC answers, all realizing that they don't know my life, and wouldn't assume to know what I deal with on a daily basis. It's not what ordinary people think of every day. The plight of the farm animals who fear for their lives and who are abused and beaten every day of their lives. You don't think of those things when you eat your meat or cheeses. I do. I get sick thinking of these things. Thanksgiving is just another reality that the country deals with and revels in that I get sickened over. What makes your life better than the animals you slaughter and eat for "thanksgiving?" It's sickening. You should at least acknowledge the reality of what you're serving to your families.

Meanwhile, I have those struggles, and the struggles of being alone in life for months at a time. No, don't pity me - hear me. Hear the anxiety of a person who doesn't get beyond the struggle of depression and anxiety in a day. The reality of knowing what the world brings upon the suffering. Why? Because you enjoy eating their carcases? Sick. Live with it. It's wrong.

Loneliness has brought me to a new reality of what we as humans do to our earth. It's not right, and it has brought us to where we are today. Water shortages that force us to realize that water is as valuable as oil is in this life. Wars, rumors or wars, plagues, petulance and all of the realities that the bible has warned us of. Be warned! Our ignorance of these things won't short stop because of our ignorance. We choose ignorance. We choose life outside of reality. Hollywood, movies, television... they all play to the fears and fixations are what they play to. It's time to wake up.

Where will you be when time comes to an end? I know where I'll be. You have nothing to loose by accepting Christ. You need to wake up and see where this world is going. Fear isn't enough to thwart the reality of what's coming.

When you're not sure if you should share it...

There are days, like today, when the world becomes too much for my mind and heart. The days when what I feel in my heart outweighs the reality around me. Days of heartache and confusion... self loathing and second guessing. I have days like that, and sometimes I want to shout it out and tell people... but other times I regress, knowing not everyone I know will understand or care or want to hear it. I have fear of someone I have on FB reading what I write and calling me in to the ward. Forcing my hand to put me into a "safe environment" away from life and of self harming. I don't like those restrictions, and I have never been one to forfeit my freedom for those "safe places". It's not safe, it's a place where all  you do is think about all of the garbage that fills your mind every day, and you sit in front of people you don't know, forcing you to "share". No thanks. I've had friends do that, and it doesn't seem to appeal to me, no matter how far down I get. I can climb back up... scratch, claw, dig deep. I can do it.

Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.

The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.

I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.

That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.