As Life Moves On...

Lately I've been witness to a lot of parents readying for the graduation of their children. Be it high school, middle school, kindergarten, pre K, or whatever they're facing, all of them are brimming with pride. It's a beautiful thing to see. The hard work of not only the kids', but the parents' work coming to fruition.

What I take away from all of that is this: no matter what stage of life you're in, there is pride and joy in each step. The realities not only of parents, but of people like myself who aren't parents, can be a source of encouragement and joy to us as we walk through them in faith. I'm sure if I was to delve into discussions with these people on the mountains moved in order to get to where they are now, they'd have stories that I would be taken back to realize. I'd like to know - and it would take some research - the biggest hurdles that each of us have faced, and overcome, in order to be where we are now. I think obviously the hurdles would vary greatly in each of us. Seniors in high school might reach back in their minds of the struggles with bullying, or the strain of passing each year in school. Perhaps even the boundaries placed in their lives for their own good... as we all know, the youth know it all, so the boundaries are all unnecessary... but have built them into the strong willed people they are now. Maybe a kindergartener would think for a moment, only to say they made a friend out of someone who they used to dislike... but then, that might be way too cerebral for a kindergartener. I wonder what my friends who have graduating children would say... would the hurdles be a distant gray mist in their minds on a day like graduation day? Would the issues of rearing a quality child outweigh the joy of the moment where that child walked head on into the next stage of life? I hear women say that childbirth is such an awful struggle, but the moment that child is placed into their arms, the pain disappears from memory. I wonder if it's like that with a stage of life like graduation, or a first grandchild, or of any other stage that comes along. I suspect that the people I know who are in tears over this graduation day may say yes, all of these things bring so much joy, that everything hard along the way pales in comparison.

We can all have a life of joyous new beginnings. Being a non-parent, I tend to see things more broadly, and have a different perspective than that of the parent who is in the midst of turmoil regarding a child. Life for me is a broad road - one that has so many facets, trials and turns, and I reflect heavily on each of them. I think and dwell many hours on things that are big picture - long term - what will become of this or that... what will happen if this or that should occur... it can be overwhelming. But, I know my life is so much easier in ways than that of people who have chosen to be parents. In some instances, it isn't, but in others, it really is.

In any case, what my take away from this is, we all have stages of life that we face. Some are joyous, and some are heart wrenching. Life has its trials, and each of us have to face them head on. Some go ahead timidly, and others go boldly. I tend to be timid in times of change and trial. I also tend to over think things to a fault. What I know is that I'm in the midst of a life change made by God. He's placed me into a life that forces me to face the life HE wants from me. I haven't ever seen my life as being 'for His glory.' That's what life is for me as a Christian. It isn't about what I want out of life, but what will glorify Him. I know I'm doing my best to glorify Him in my life right now. I never have before, and I realize that. What I need to be is Christ to those I meet. I may be the only part of Christ these people ever see, and I need to be the best representation I can be. It's hard, I'm not saying it's anything but hard... but it's worth it. He has a plan for me. Plans to profit me, and not to break me down. Plans for a hope and a future.  I strive for that... because I know my best life will occur as a result.

I recently went through a car wash, and the attendant who wiped my car down was a sweet faced youth, probably in high school. I always try to give them a little tip, but that day I only had a $20. I thought twice about giving up twenty bucks for someone to wipe down my car. I saw his face, and his faithfulness in his work. He smiled at everyone, and did his job to the best of his ability. I handed over that twenty dollar bill, simply because sometimes doing things like that can change someone's life, or at least their perspective on others. Why not change someone's perspective? It's worth it, and I pray that he was blessed by that. I try to do that more often, because in doing things like that, I not only bless someone I may never see again, but I too am blessed by being a source of God's love. Afterward I always pray for the Lord to be real in that person's life, and for them to find God.

Be your best. Be your best to your children and to the people you meet in life. Your children will take that away from their lives in your care. Don't feel badly if you struggle - we all do. Just be your best, and remember who you're teaching to be the best they can be in the middle of it all. For by being that to a stranger, we may be entertaining angels unaware...

and then... a raccoon...

Memorial Day festivities have been fun this year. I spent some time with one old friend and her family and friends on Friday, and went to my oldest and dearest friend's home today for a family picnic. We were enjoying each other's company along with her husband and daughters when out of nowhere one of the girls screams at the top of her lungs. All hell broke loose...

The family dog, known to be aggressive toward other animals (mainly cats) was being attacked right next to us on the back porch by a raccoon. The girls scrambled frantically, going inside, hiding behind their mother, screaming uncontrollably. Marc and I immediately went to the dog, trying to break up what we all thought was the dog attacking the family cat. Once I got on my knees in front of the animals, I realized it was a raccoon - probably rabid, since it was mid to late afternoon and the sun was shining. Marc grabbed the dog, then Lisa, holding her as still as possible as I tried to pry the raccoon's mouth from the dog's head. I was screaming to get a stick of some sort to pry the raccoon's mouth open, since my fingers in the animal's mouth wasn't making any quick progress. A rock was tossed at me, with 'hit it!' being yelled from behind. I was screaming 'no!' as I didn't want to hurt anything... but alas I grazed the raccoon's head with the rock, and it launched itself off the porch, limping away as fast as possible with what I assume was at least a broken front leg. Marc followed the raccoon into the woods to get it away from the family, and we spent the next few moments assessing the damage to the dog. Amazingly there was no broken skin on it or on any of us. The raccoon, I don't know. I assume the dog had enough of a hold on it at times to break the skin, but I didn't get enough of a look at it to know. I know it's dying a slow and painful death out there, and that makes me very sad. Marc wanted to go kill it within the adrenaline rush he was feeling... but then relaxed enough to realize it was dangerous and futile...

The veterinarian suggested the dog come in for a booster, and the sheriff's office was contacted in order to report the incident with a (seemingly) rabid animal. From then, there was no appetite for dinner, at least for the three adults. The girls were all freaked out, and I honestly had the shakes for at least half an hour. So much for a relaxing holiday afternoon! We could laugh after a little while, but it's still fresh in our minds. Everyone honestly thought their cat was going to die. Needless to say, everyone was spared that horror, and were left unscathed. Except for the unfortunate raccoon. God don't let it suffer...

Tomorrow: to another friend's home for a relaxing poolside afternoon. I think ;)

Being Honest...

Sometimes it isn't easy to break free from pride in order to be an open book with people. I've been struggling with that lately. Since being out of work, I've dealt with myself on a lot of levels, and finally I can see things more clearly about myself, my worth, my attitude, and my relationship to God.

I've had a job for a week now, and I've neglected to tell most of my friends because of the fear of being looked upon as a failure. I haven't found any work in my field, and my friend knows how much I've been struggling with being alone and without anything to do for so long. She saw how I was beating myself up and wanted to help me. She offered me a job as a delivery person for their auto parts store. Before she offered, however, I had been praying for the Lord to 'drop a job in my lap - simply because I wasn't finding anything'... He did that. Through Lisa. I knew it was His work, and so reluctantly I accepted. My pride had not been one of the many issues I'd dealt with in myself yet... and it had come time to do so. So, I told a spare few people, and they prayed for me, over me, and with me. I can say that, although it's only been two work days so far, I have found a sense of peace and gratitude that I wasn't sure I'd find. The people have been very kind, and it's a lively bunch of folks who work at the shop. They can be a bit on the crass side - things being talked about and said that I'm not at all used to hearing in a work setting... but maybe I'm supposed to bring Christ into the midst of them. I hope I can fulfill that task. It isn't stressful, no one thinks anything differently about me, I think in part because they don't know me yet. But it has been a blessing and I feel like the Lord is working through me and in me, although I'm not at all sure yet what His plan is.

Overall I'm writing this to tell my friends what I'm doing. Keeping it quiet was the last bit of pride that I needed to overcome. There are moments where I wonder why He sent me through all the schooling and working in a business setting for so many years, simply to move me out of that and into this. Healing doesn't come from the explained... and I'm learning that.

My friend knows the purpose of this job for me, and thus I continue to search for work in my field, not knowing if I'll ever get back to where my talents are used to their fullest... but this is a new season. This is where the Lord has brought me, and I can't ever be ashamed of what He wills for my life. Pride is definitely something I've had a problem with for a long time... and He's working me through that.

So, I'm around... tooling around in a pickup truck delivering oil filters, exhaust pipes, and carburetors... to name a few things. I hold my head high, and do my very best, as I always have. Thanks to my friends who believe in me, and pray for me... I wouldn't be the person I am without you in my life.

Dreams

What are dreams but the heart and mind coming together and forming pictures of all that is within them... they can be fragile, raging, blissful and misunderstood. I don't think anyone can calculate dreams. They are what our minds make them.

Dreams for me are cruel dances with grim emotional turmoils that spin endlessly in my mind. They have been seeds of discontent and moments of unimaginable joy. Lately the plague of uncertainty and blindness have been the characters and circumstances that play out. Houses full of strangers and loved ones with me trying to make sense out of chaos. My attempts to clean around them as they rearrange everything that isn't bolted down... the feeling of helplessness when my beloved ignores my efforts while continuing to get caught up in the whimsy of the moment. My eyesight is gone, and I struggle to find my way through it all, continuing to build a resentment and disdain for everyone and everything. Waking up from these dreams means an anxiety that nearly cripples me. I realize these things are part of what I deal with on a daily basis, and I walk through reality slowly breaking free from the feelings that I've been pummeled with throughout the night.

What we struggle with during our waking hours come to haunt us in the night. There are breaks of hope within all of that - a good dream perhaps. One that allows a sense of peace and calm, or the sight of a loved one and time spent with them after years of their absence. The laughter that wakes you up and makes you smile for a moment in the bleary moments of half consciousness.

I've learned a few symbols of dreams - be it true or false, sometimes the symbols help get past the confusion and allow a sense of understanding in a way. My fruitless cleaning and blindness indicates a sense of the lack of control in my life, and the reality of not knowing what is yet to come. The way I struggle daily with uncertainty is all too real in the dreams. The people who dance through are real and imagined, and all of them subjects of my lack of trust and lack of connection. One other is when my teeth hurt, or fall out completely in the dream  - that is a sign of feeling out of control. That happens all too often in the night, and I wake up to find that my teeth actually do hurt, but most likely from clenching my jaw during the dreams.

Dreams can be controlled in a way, if I'm slightly aware of them, and think of how I can manipulate them to my favor. That happens rarely, but the depth of despair can be thwarted at times. I've never had the pleasure of altering a good dream - they seem to fall into my subconscious and play out on their own. I allow it, obviously, because they're pleasant and lovely, and I want nothing more than to relive them and enjoy the moment I'm in.

I pray often for dreams to not come at all, just so I have a peaceful night's rest. That never seems to happen, and I get angry at God for allowing such grotesque mind play to taunt me during the times I hope will be a refreshing and calm. I wonder if these things will ever end... at times it seems like an endless abyss of negativity and sadness. One can only hope that these things won't be forever.

Never Getting Over It

I don't know why, but I've never gotten over my father's death. I've had people say 'you don't have to' or 'it's impossible to do'. Therapists say I need to move through the grief process and move past the grief. I've tried, honestly... and I can't. It isn't debilitating, there's nothing I don't do because of my grief. There are things that I do because of it, like cry, or get tattoos of my father's writing on my wrist. It doesn't keep me from living, although it can be said that I could be living a happier existence. Truth be told, I don't know if I would be or not. It makes sense that I could be happier... but overall - not just in regard to my father's loss.

I've had friends recently have very vivid dreams about my dad. It's been so interesting to hear what they've dreamt, and try to decipher what it could possibly mean. I love my friends and their love for my dad - it's those friendships that mean the most in my life. I've dreamt of my dad a number of times, and two of them have been dreams I'll never forget. Vivid - colorful - real. So real. I woke up so heartbroken that it was only a dream, because it seemed almost impossible that it couldn't be reality. He was there with me, or I was in his presence in a familiar setting. Those moments after you wake from dreaming are so fuzzy - the mix of dream and reality is surreal. It made me want to go back to sleep quickly, so I might get back to that place and time, but it never seems to work.

I may have blogged about this topic before, but it has come up in recent conversations that I haven't gotten past my grief and loss, and that my father wouldn't be happy to know that I can't get past his absence. I don't know how to respond to that. I've tried, and failed. Repeatedly. For decades. Is it something that I can just harbor in my own little world, and not let go of? Is it hurting anyone else? No, but it's hurting me. I'm the one with the pain of loss that feels like it was yesterday. I know harboring grief and heartache isn't healthy... Lord do I know it. I just don't know how to let it go. Suggestions from my mother are to write down my grief and pain onto slips of paper, and then set them on fire. Letting those feelings and guilts be released emotionally as well as physically. I think of doing that, and in my heart of hearts I know deep down it won't do me any good. The things I write down are only words on paper, and won't be removed from me. It's a part of me. It's within my DNA at this point. I live with it... it lives with me.

I have friends who have lost parents at young ages, and I know they deal with feelings similar to mine, but there are times - like today - when I feel alone in my grief. My grief is compounded with a guilt over feeling it... which ends up being a perpetual cycle. People may say kind things to me in regard to this blog, and that's always special... but honestly I don't need affirmation or empathy, because this grief doesn't change.

the ability to bless others

Today was a good day! I don't often say that, so I know you'll take note of it...

The ability to bless others is really such a gift. Literally. I had the privilege to go to a friend who works very hard on her horse farm and give her a monetary gift that my stepdad wanted her to have. He wanted to bless her, and I was the avenue that allowed that to happen. Marial Ophardt has been one of the people in my recent life who have had a very special influence. She used to be part of a volunteer organization that I'm still a part of, and her diligence, steadfastness, and never ending hard work have made a big impact on me as a person. She loves horses like nothing else in life, and she has such a wealth of wisdom and love to offer, not only to the animals, but to us. I love listening to her talk about the horses she cares for, the amount of effort she puts into their care and well being, and the love she puts into every day. She is such a simply lovely person, I just can't tell you enough.

Her farm has seen harder times, but she has withstood any number of storms in life in order to be where she is today. She never takes time off - she can't, really. She is the farm, and the farm is her. She has help, and a few paid workers who come in to help with cleaning stalls, grooming, feeding, watering, etc. But Marial is the backbone of the farm, and it shows. She knows so much about each animal... she cares for 18 horses right now, plus a dog, chickens, and her favorite past time - her grandson Owen. I was able to meet Owen today, and he has just as much enthusiasm for the animals as she does. You can sense the joy in her heart when she's with him, and it's lovely.

The gift my stepdad gave today was a real blessing to Marial, and she went on and on about what she was going to do with it. There are 5 rescue horses from a farm in Pavilion that she's taken in by the goodness of her heart. She doesn't get paid or compensated for her work or food, shelter or care. One of the horses she took on is named Makailah, and she has a few health issues that have been a concern. Today, Marial was lit up by the reality that she could afford to bring in a veterinarian who will take care of Makailah's teeth. No one can get near her teeth at this point, but by giving her a tranquilizer and propping her jaw open, the vet will be able to see what's going on, and hopefully make a difference, so Makailah can begin to gain weight. Marial has a special place in her heart for this horse, and for her well being, and to have the money to help her now, rather than wait, was better than she could express. She wants to photograph the horse, write to my stepdad and mom with her progress, and give them all sorts of updates and thanks for their simple gift. What an impact just a small donation to a needy animal can do!

Keep that in mind when you think about supporting good causes - even a small gift can mean life and death to the animal you're giving to. Be blessed my friends! It's a good way to feel GREAT!

what makes people tick...

I don't know much about people, evidently. Somehow I expect more than I get over and over, yet never seem to learn from it, or lower my standards. What keeps that fire of belief lit within my heart? What causes us to continue with a shred of hope in others?

I've had friends recently who have been at odds with other friends because of teen issues that come up among girls in the same school/classes/clicks/etc. These things have gotten worse in our society, although I have no point of personal reference aside from what these friends share with me. What has come to me from their struggles via their children is that each of us holds some tiny shred of hope in others, no matter how small. We all have this ideal scenario of how a relationship should go, or what should or shouldn't happen within a friendship. The people who end up with no hope are the ones who eventually cut ties, alienate themselves, and commit suicide. It's true... not that I want to make that a huge point.

Lately I've been jaded by people, and have been more of a creeper on Facebook rather than a participant. I see what others are posting, find little to no interest in anything, and fail to create my own posts or much of any commentary. I used to really love making people laugh on my posts... but I've lost the hope I had in others somehow. Maybe my perspective has been skewed since I spend most of my time alone... in fact yes, it has become skewed. I need more than I had before, and realizing that has caused me to remove myself from others' view, in order to not show them how very much I need them. I don't like being needy, and I hate being seen as such. It isn't acceptable to me, and I fight it tooth and nail. People who recognize the issue are a spare few.  People who either don't care enough or don't see it, I feel better knowing I can fool you in some way, and refuse to believe that you don't care, purely out of self preservation.

Children are also very needy - and more than willing to do whatever it takes to be important to someone other than the people they live with. It's scary what kids will go through for approval from someone they admire or want to be friends with. There are no rules anymore... kids push to the breaking point, and then push harder. They want to see the person of their disdain squirm. It makes bullying so rewarding - to know the power you have over someone else. The reality of all of that is that there will be winners and losers. Populars and unpopulars... the great and the unnoticed. The forgotten... the ones who even teachers and authority figures seem to miss and the Ideals - those who are impossible to miss. How has it gotten to this? I don't have any answers, only deep sadness and fear of the worst. Friendships aren't as deep and staying as they were when I was young. I still have friends from grade school... but the relationships between young girls now don't seem to be as long term. Neediness seems to never go away...

Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a decent collaboration between my experience and the kids being bullied and I think I've failed. What I have to say is sometimes pointless and without meaning, or meaningless and without point... Either way I'm giving up. Take away what you want... hopefully I haven't shit all over your belief in people, or in me.