What are dreams but the heart and mind coming together and forming pictures of all that is within them... they can be fragile, raging, blissful and misunderstood. I don't think anyone can calculate dreams. They are what our minds make them.
Dreams for me are cruel dances with grim emotional turmoils that spin endlessly in my mind. They have been seeds of discontent and moments of unimaginable joy. Lately the plague of uncertainty and blindness have been the characters and circumstances that play out. Houses full of strangers and loved ones with me trying to make sense out of chaos. My attempts to clean around them as they rearrange everything that isn't bolted down... the feeling of helplessness when my beloved ignores my efforts while continuing to get caught up in the whimsy of the moment. My eyesight is gone, and I struggle to find my way through it all, continuing to build a resentment and disdain for everyone and everything. Waking up from these dreams means an anxiety that nearly cripples me. I realize these things are part of what I deal with on a daily basis, and I walk through reality slowly breaking free from the feelings that I've been pummeled with throughout the night.
What we struggle with during our waking hours come to haunt us in the night. There are breaks of hope within all of that - a good dream perhaps. One that allows a sense of peace and calm, or the sight of a loved one and time spent with them after years of their absence. The laughter that wakes you up and makes you smile for a moment in the bleary moments of half consciousness.
I've learned a few symbols of dreams - be it true or false, sometimes the symbols help get past the confusion and allow a sense of understanding in a way. My fruitless cleaning and blindness indicates a sense of the lack of control in my life, and the reality of not knowing what is yet to come. The way I struggle daily with uncertainty is all too real in the dreams. The people who dance through are real and imagined, and all of them subjects of my lack of trust and lack of connection. One other is when my teeth hurt, or fall out completely in the dream - that is a sign of feeling out of control. That happens all too often in the night, and I wake up to find that my teeth actually do hurt, but most likely from clenching my jaw during the dreams.
Dreams can be controlled in a way, if I'm slightly aware of them, and think of how I can manipulate them to my favor. That happens rarely, but the depth of despair can be thwarted at times. I've never had the pleasure of altering a good dream - they seem to fall into my subconscious and play out on their own. I allow it, obviously, because they're pleasant and lovely, and I want nothing more than to relive them and enjoy the moment I'm in.
I pray often for dreams to not come at all, just so I have a peaceful night's rest. That never seems to happen, and I get angry at God for allowing such grotesque mind play to taunt me during the times I hope will be a refreshing and calm. I wonder if these things will ever end... at times it seems like an endless abyss of negativity and sadness. One can only hope that these things won't be forever.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Never Getting Over It
I don't know why, but I've never gotten over my father's death. I've had people say 'you don't have to' or 'it's impossible to do'. Therapists say I need to move through the grief process and move past the grief. I've tried, honestly... and I can't. It isn't debilitating, there's nothing I don't do because of my grief. There are things that I do because of it, like cry, or get tattoos of my father's writing on my wrist. It doesn't keep me from living, although it can be said that I could be living a happier existence. Truth be told, I don't know if I would be or not. It makes sense that I could be happier... but overall - not just in regard to my father's loss.
I've had friends recently have very vivid dreams about my dad. It's been so interesting to hear what they've dreamt, and try to decipher what it could possibly mean. I love my friends and their love for my dad - it's those friendships that mean the most in my life. I've dreamt of my dad a number of times, and two of them have been dreams I'll never forget. Vivid - colorful - real. So real. I woke up so heartbroken that it was only a dream, because it seemed almost impossible that it couldn't be reality. He was there with me, or I was in his presence in a familiar setting. Those moments after you wake from dreaming are so fuzzy - the mix of dream and reality is surreal. It made me want to go back to sleep quickly, so I might get back to that place and time, but it never seems to work.
I may have blogged about this topic before, but it has come up in recent conversations that I haven't gotten past my grief and loss, and that my father wouldn't be happy to know that I can't get past his absence. I don't know how to respond to that. I've tried, and failed. Repeatedly. For decades. Is it something that I can just harbor in my own little world, and not let go of? Is it hurting anyone else? No, but it's hurting me. I'm the one with the pain of loss that feels like it was yesterday. I know harboring grief and heartache isn't healthy... Lord do I know it. I just don't know how to let it go. Suggestions from my mother are to write down my grief and pain onto slips of paper, and then set them on fire. Letting those feelings and guilts be released emotionally as well as physically. I think of doing that, and in my heart of hearts I know deep down it won't do me any good. The things I write down are only words on paper, and won't be removed from me. It's a part of me. It's within my DNA at this point. I live with it... it lives with me.
I have friends who have lost parents at young ages, and I know they deal with feelings similar to mine, but there are times - like today - when I feel alone in my grief. My grief is compounded with a guilt over feeling it... which ends up being a perpetual cycle. People may say kind things to me in regard to this blog, and that's always special... but honestly I don't need affirmation or empathy, because this grief doesn't change.
I've had friends recently have very vivid dreams about my dad. It's been so interesting to hear what they've dreamt, and try to decipher what it could possibly mean. I love my friends and their love for my dad - it's those friendships that mean the most in my life. I've dreamt of my dad a number of times, and two of them have been dreams I'll never forget. Vivid - colorful - real. So real. I woke up so heartbroken that it was only a dream, because it seemed almost impossible that it couldn't be reality. He was there with me, or I was in his presence in a familiar setting. Those moments after you wake from dreaming are so fuzzy - the mix of dream and reality is surreal. It made me want to go back to sleep quickly, so I might get back to that place and time, but it never seems to work.
I may have blogged about this topic before, but it has come up in recent conversations that I haven't gotten past my grief and loss, and that my father wouldn't be happy to know that I can't get past his absence. I don't know how to respond to that. I've tried, and failed. Repeatedly. For decades. Is it something that I can just harbor in my own little world, and not let go of? Is it hurting anyone else? No, but it's hurting me. I'm the one with the pain of loss that feels like it was yesterday. I know harboring grief and heartache isn't healthy... Lord do I know it. I just don't know how to let it go. Suggestions from my mother are to write down my grief and pain onto slips of paper, and then set them on fire. Letting those feelings and guilts be released emotionally as well as physically. I think of doing that, and in my heart of hearts I know deep down it won't do me any good. The things I write down are only words on paper, and won't be removed from me. It's a part of me. It's within my DNA at this point. I live with it... it lives with me.
I have friends who have lost parents at young ages, and I know they deal with feelings similar to mine, but there are times - like today - when I feel alone in my grief. My grief is compounded with a guilt over feeling it... which ends up being a perpetual cycle. People may say kind things to me in regard to this blog, and that's always special... but honestly I don't need affirmation or empathy, because this grief doesn't change.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
the ability to bless others
Today was a good day! I don't often say that, so I know you'll take note of it...
The ability to bless others is really such a gift. Literally. I had the privilege to go to a friend who works very hard on her horse farm and give her a monetary gift that my stepdad wanted her to have. He wanted to bless her, and I was the avenue that allowed that to happen. Marial Ophardt has been one of the people in my recent life who have had a very special influence. She used to be part of a volunteer organization that I'm still a part of, and her diligence, steadfastness, and never ending hard work have made a big impact on me as a person. She loves horses like nothing else in life, and she has such a wealth of wisdom and love to offer, not only to the animals, but to us. I love listening to her talk about the horses she cares for, the amount of effort she puts into their care and well being, and the love she puts into every day. She is such a simply lovely person, I just can't tell you enough.
Her farm has seen harder times, but she has withstood any number of storms in life in order to be where she is today. She never takes time off - she can't, really. She is the farm, and the farm is her. She has help, and a few paid workers who come in to help with cleaning stalls, grooming, feeding, watering, etc. But Marial is the backbone of the farm, and it shows. She knows so much about each animal... she cares for 18 horses right now, plus a dog, chickens, and her favorite past time - her grandson Owen. I was able to meet Owen today, and he has just as much enthusiasm for the animals as she does. You can sense the joy in her heart when she's with him, and it's lovely.
The gift my stepdad gave today was a real blessing to Marial, and she went on and on about what she was going to do with it. There are 5 rescue horses from a farm in Pavilion that she's taken in by the goodness of her heart. She doesn't get paid or compensated for her work or food, shelter or care. One of the horses she took on is named Makailah, and she has a few health issues that have been a concern. Today, Marial was lit up by the reality that she could afford to bring in a veterinarian who will take care of Makailah's teeth. No one can get near her teeth at this point, but by giving her a tranquilizer and propping her jaw open, the vet will be able to see what's going on, and hopefully make a difference, so Makailah can begin to gain weight. Marial has a special place in her heart for this horse, and for her well being, and to have the money to help her now, rather than wait, was better than she could express. She wants to photograph the horse, write to my stepdad and mom with her progress, and give them all sorts of updates and thanks for their simple gift. What an impact just a small donation to a needy animal can do!
Keep that in mind when you think about supporting good causes - even a small gift can mean life and death to the animal you're giving to. Be blessed my friends! It's a good way to feel GREAT!
The ability to bless others is really such a gift. Literally. I had the privilege to go to a friend who works very hard on her horse farm and give her a monetary gift that my stepdad wanted her to have. He wanted to bless her, and I was the avenue that allowed that to happen. Marial Ophardt has been one of the people in my recent life who have had a very special influence. She used to be part of a volunteer organization that I'm still a part of, and her diligence, steadfastness, and never ending hard work have made a big impact on me as a person. She loves horses like nothing else in life, and she has such a wealth of wisdom and love to offer, not only to the animals, but to us. I love listening to her talk about the horses she cares for, the amount of effort she puts into their care and well being, and the love she puts into every day. She is such a simply lovely person, I just can't tell you enough.
Her farm has seen harder times, but she has withstood any number of storms in life in order to be where she is today. She never takes time off - she can't, really. She is the farm, and the farm is her. She has help, and a few paid workers who come in to help with cleaning stalls, grooming, feeding, watering, etc. But Marial is the backbone of the farm, and it shows. She knows so much about each animal... she cares for 18 horses right now, plus a dog, chickens, and her favorite past time - her grandson Owen. I was able to meet Owen today, and he has just as much enthusiasm for the animals as she does. You can sense the joy in her heart when she's with him, and it's lovely.
The gift my stepdad gave today was a real blessing to Marial, and she went on and on about what she was going to do with it. There are 5 rescue horses from a farm in Pavilion that she's taken in by the goodness of her heart. She doesn't get paid or compensated for her work or food, shelter or care. One of the horses she took on is named Makailah, and she has a few health issues that have been a concern. Today, Marial was lit up by the reality that she could afford to bring in a veterinarian who will take care of Makailah's teeth. No one can get near her teeth at this point, but by giving her a tranquilizer and propping her jaw open, the vet will be able to see what's going on, and hopefully make a difference, so Makailah can begin to gain weight. Marial has a special place in her heart for this horse, and for her well being, and to have the money to help her now, rather than wait, was better than she could express. She wants to photograph the horse, write to my stepdad and mom with her progress, and give them all sorts of updates and thanks for their simple gift. What an impact just a small donation to a needy animal can do!
Keep that in mind when you think about supporting good causes - even a small gift can mean life and death to the animal you're giving to. Be blessed my friends! It's a good way to feel GREAT!
Monday, March 12, 2012
what makes people tick...
I don't know much about people, evidently. Somehow I expect more than I get over and over, yet never seem to learn from it, or lower my standards. What keeps that fire of belief lit within my heart? What causes us to continue with a shred of hope in others?
I've had friends recently who have been at odds with other friends because of teen issues that come up among girls in the same school/classes/clicks/etc. These things have gotten worse in our society, although I have no point of personal reference aside from what these friends share with me. What has come to me from their struggles via their children is that each of us holds some tiny shred of hope in others, no matter how small. We all have this ideal scenario of how a relationship should go, or what should or shouldn't happen within a friendship. The people who end up with no hope are the ones who eventually cut ties, alienate themselves, and commit suicide. It's true... not that I want to make that a huge point.
Lately I've been jaded by people, and have been more of a creeper on Facebook rather than a participant. I see what others are posting, find little to no interest in anything, and fail to create my own posts or much of any commentary. I used to really love making people laugh on my posts... but I've lost the hope I had in others somehow. Maybe my perspective has been skewed since I spend most of my time alone... in fact yes, it has become skewed. I need more than I had before, and realizing that has caused me to remove myself from others' view, in order to not show them how very much I need them. I don't like being needy, and I hate being seen as such. It isn't acceptable to me, and I fight it tooth and nail. People who recognize the issue are a spare few. People who either don't care enough or don't see it, I feel better knowing I can fool you in some way, and refuse to believe that you don't care, purely out of self preservation.
Children are also very needy - and more than willing to do whatever it takes to be important to someone other than the people they live with. It's scary what kids will go through for approval from someone they admire or want to be friends with. There are no rules anymore... kids push to the breaking point, and then push harder. They want to see the person of their disdain squirm. It makes bullying so rewarding - to know the power you have over someone else. The reality of all of that is that there will be winners and losers. Populars and unpopulars... the great and the unnoticed. The forgotten... the ones who even teachers and authority figures seem to miss and the Ideals - those who are impossible to miss. How has it gotten to this? I don't have any answers, only deep sadness and fear of the worst. Friendships aren't as deep and staying as they were when I was young. I still have friends from grade school... but the relationships between young girls now don't seem to be as long term. Neediness seems to never go away...
Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a decent collaboration between my experience and the kids being bullied and I think I've failed. What I have to say is sometimes pointless and without meaning, or meaningless and without point... Either way I'm giving up. Take away what you want... hopefully I haven't shit all over your belief in people, or in me.
I've had friends recently who have been at odds with other friends because of teen issues that come up among girls in the same school/classes/clicks/etc. These things have gotten worse in our society, although I have no point of personal reference aside from what these friends share with me. What has come to me from their struggles via their children is that each of us holds some tiny shred of hope in others, no matter how small. We all have this ideal scenario of how a relationship should go, or what should or shouldn't happen within a friendship. The people who end up with no hope are the ones who eventually cut ties, alienate themselves, and commit suicide. It's true... not that I want to make that a huge point.
Lately I've been jaded by people, and have been more of a creeper on Facebook rather than a participant. I see what others are posting, find little to no interest in anything, and fail to create my own posts or much of any commentary. I used to really love making people laugh on my posts... but I've lost the hope I had in others somehow. Maybe my perspective has been skewed since I spend most of my time alone... in fact yes, it has become skewed. I need more than I had before, and realizing that has caused me to remove myself from others' view, in order to not show them how very much I need them. I don't like being needy, and I hate being seen as such. It isn't acceptable to me, and I fight it tooth and nail. People who recognize the issue are a spare few. People who either don't care enough or don't see it, I feel better knowing I can fool you in some way, and refuse to believe that you don't care, purely out of self preservation.
Children are also very needy - and more than willing to do whatever it takes to be important to someone other than the people they live with. It's scary what kids will go through for approval from someone they admire or want to be friends with. There are no rules anymore... kids push to the breaking point, and then push harder. They want to see the person of their disdain squirm. It makes bullying so rewarding - to know the power you have over someone else. The reality of all of that is that there will be winners and losers. Populars and unpopulars... the great and the unnoticed. The forgotten... the ones who even teachers and authority figures seem to miss and the Ideals - those who are impossible to miss. How has it gotten to this? I don't have any answers, only deep sadness and fear of the worst. Friendships aren't as deep and staying as they were when I was young. I still have friends from grade school... but the relationships between young girls now don't seem to be as long term. Neediness seems to never go away...
Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a decent collaboration between my experience and the kids being bullied and I think I've failed. What I have to say is sometimes pointless and without meaning, or meaningless and without point... Either way I'm giving up. Take away what you want... hopefully I haven't shit all over your belief in people, or in me.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Things I don't do...
Here's a list of things that don't happen in my world, and things I don't do:
1 - I don't mince words. You'll know exactly how I feel about a subject, and exactly how I feel about you. There's no room in my life for trying to make people feel good, or boost them when they need a real kick in the ass.
2 - I don't care as much as some people think I should - I don't allow other peoples' opinions about my feelings change the things I stand for, and things I stand against. It shows a lack of courage to back down from the platforms you believe in.... I can't care any less about things like gaming, politics, gun laws, or things that don't effect me personally. In fact, I don't have the capacity to involve my mind in those things - I have enough on my mind to fill many days and nights consecutively.
3 - I don't press my opinion on anyone - there's no reason to do this, and I've resigned myself to not force my opinion and/or beliefs on others. You have your opinions, and I have mine.
4 - I don't live in the past - this one is something I've learned recently. I don't want to live in the past, because that's not where I am now. I've had trouble moving away from the place where I once was, but lately things have evolved to the point where I know where I was wasn't where I need to be now. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
5 - I don't fall victim to trends - the skinny jeans that have come anew to the fashion world, I can't see myself in those. I don't wear what I don't feel good in. I like classic styles, and won't be caught spending good money on things that don't look good on me, or don't make sense to purchase. And frankly, I look darn good in the wardrobe I have, thank you very much.
6 - I don't find joy in others' sorrow - I have people in my life who tend to look at others and compare themselves to them, and if they feel lesser than, they rejoice in a fail. I can't do that, or I'd find myself in a worse state of mind than I already am. If someone hurts, I hurt. I pray for people who I don't even know. I believe in the power of prayer, and the strength therein. If I hear of your trouble, you can count on me to pray and believe in your future.
7 - I don't love all 4 seasons - seriously - winter is such a buzz kill. I don't understand my mother who loves every second of winter. What's to love? It's COLD. It's UGLY. It's inconvenient and stressful to drive in. What is so great? People say they want snow on Christmas - that's crap. Don't give me that, because the rest of the 5 months of winter we have around here you're complaining.
8 - I don't tollerate ignorance - it's something I can't stand, and won't stand for. I think people who spew ignorance should be spoken to in a harsh and educational manner that allows them to realize (hopefully) their shortcomings. Don't you dare come at me with anything related to race discrimination, or minority discrimination in general. Women are a discriminated upon group, and I hate it. It doesn't seem like it's as big a deal as race, but it is.
9 - I don't base my opinions on others' ideals - I'm a grown woman, and what I feel is who I've evolved into. I can't tell you how often I've seen the 'christian conservative' snub their noses at others, the lesser, the needy, and the lost. Don't you dare tell me your opinions on these things because if you don't have mercy or forgiveness, you don't have Jesus as a grounding point. Christians, act like it.
10 - In the end, I'm still a human being - I have feelings, and opinions, and beliefs, and I share them. It's a gift, so you're welcome. But, I'm flawed. I admit I don't have it all together, and I haven't been in other peoples' shoes to know fully their pain. What I do have is mercy, a good listening ear, and a strong belief system. We're all entitled to our opinions, that's what makes our country so great. We're free to express ourselves the way we wish to. We're not encumbered with others' requirements of us. Thank a soldier for that. Thank God for that. Thank your misled, dysfunctional government for that. If we didn't have our freedoms, what else might be on this list? I don't want to know...
1 - I don't mince words. You'll know exactly how I feel about a subject, and exactly how I feel about you. There's no room in my life for trying to make people feel good, or boost them when they need a real kick in the ass.
2 - I don't care as much as some people think I should - I don't allow other peoples' opinions about my feelings change the things I stand for, and things I stand against. It shows a lack of courage to back down from the platforms you believe in.... I can't care any less about things like gaming, politics, gun laws, or things that don't effect me personally. In fact, I don't have the capacity to involve my mind in those things - I have enough on my mind to fill many days and nights consecutively.
3 - I don't press my opinion on anyone - there's no reason to do this, and I've resigned myself to not force my opinion and/or beliefs on others. You have your opinions, and I have mine.
4 - I don't live in the past - this one is something I've learned recently. I don't want to live in the past, because that's not where I am now. I've had trouble moving away from the place where I once was, but lately things have evolved to the point where I know where I was wasn't where I need to be now. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
5 - I don't fall victim to trends - the skinny jeans that have come anew to the fashion world, I can't see myself in those. I don't wear what I don't feel good in. I like classic styles, and won't be caught spending good money on things that don't look good on me, or don't make sense to purchase. And frankly, I look darn good in the wardrobe I have, thank you very much.
6 - I don't find joy in others' sorrow - I have people in my life who tend to look at others and compare themselves to them, and if they feel lesser than, they rejoice in a fail. I can't do that, or I'd find myself in a worse state of mind than I already am. If someone hurts, I hurt. I pray for people who I don't even know. I believe in the power of prayer, and the strength therein. If I hear of your trouble, you can count on me to pray and believe in your future.
7 - I don't love all 4 seasons - seriously - winter is such a buzz kill. I don't understand my mother who loves every second of winter. What's to love? It's COLD. It's UGLY. It's inconvenient and stressful to drive in. What is so great? People say they want snow on Christmas - that's crap. Don't give me that, because the rest of the 5 months of winter we have around here you're complaining.
8 - I don't tollerate ignorance - it's something I can't stand, and won't stand for. I think people who spew ignorance should be spoken to in a harsh and educational manner that allows them to realize (hopefully) their shortcomings. Don't you dare come at me with anything related to race discrimination, or minority discrimination in general. Women are a discriminated upon group, and I hate it. It doesn't seem like it's as big a deal as race, but it is.
9 - I don't base my opinions on others' ideals - I'm a grown woman, and what I feel is who I've evolved into. I can't tell you how often I've seen the 'christian conservative' snub their noses at others, the lesser, the needy, and the lost. Don't you dare tell me your opinions on these things because if you don't have mercy or forgiveness, you don't have Jesus as a grounding point. Christians, act like it.
10 - In the end, I'm still a human being - I have feelings, and opinions, and beliefs, and I share them. It's a gift, so you're welcome. But, I'm flawed. I admit I don't have it all together, and I haven't been in other peoples' shoes to know fully their pain. What I do have is mercy, a good listening ear, and a strong belief system. We're all entitled to our opinions, that's what makes our country so great. We're free to express ourselves the way we wish to. We're not encumbered with others' requirements of us. Thank a soldier for that. Thank God for that. Thank your misled, dysfunctional government for that. If we didn't have our freedoms, what else might be on this list? I don't want to know...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Gray...
Lately when I open up on the subject of 'me' I realize that there are a lot of things going on, and none of them are at a point where a decision can be made, or where I feel good about it. I described my status in life as being very 'gray' today, and it really is... no answers, more questions, less security, more uncertainty.
What makes a good life good? What makes life full color, and not monochromatic? How do you add color to a life and focus on the brilliant rather than get drawn down into the gray abyss of it all? Please feel free to offer thoughts. Is it what you spend your time dwelling on - refusing to stand by and let the gray bleed into your mind? Is it what you spend money and time on - going outside yourself and focusing on others and their needs? I've tried that, and it continues to add to my gray world. Doing good for others, praying for their healing and success... only to watch as they fall into the gray abyss with me, or not even try to make things better for themselves. The fear of trying has plagued so many of us... the grip of fear is a strong one, and can't be overcome by anyone else but the person who despairs within it. Prayer in these situations seems futile and vague. As if no one hears them, and no one cares.
What makes my life 'good' - or, what made it good in the past? Strong friendships? Strong love? God? Success? Honestly I don't remember. Day by day things happen, and you put out the fires as you're able... but does that equal success in life? When looking back on life, can someone feel successful even if the daily struggles seem to have sapped every ounce of strength in getting to that point? What makes someone feel content with their lives, even through the lack of financial security, lack of family connection, and a strong feeling of failure in a career path? Should being here for others' sake be what we take away from this life? And should that be the only thing we take away?
I have a lot of questions, but very few answers... hence, gray.
What makes a good life good? What makes life full color, and not monochromatic? How do you add color to a life and focus on the brilliant rather than get drawn down into the gray abyss of it all? Please feel free to offer thoughts. Is it what you spend your time dwelling on - refusing to stand by and let the gray bleed into your mind? Is it what you spend money and time on - going outside yourself and focusing on others and their needs? I've tried that, and it continues to add to my gray world. Doing good for others, praying for their healing and success... only to watch as they fall into the gray abyss with me, or not even try to make things better for themselves. The fear of trying has plagued so many of us... the grip of fear is a strong one, and can't be overcome by anyone else but the person who despairs within it. Prayer in these situations seems futile and vague. As if no one hears them, and no one cares.
What makes my life 'good' - or, what made it good in the past? Strong friendships? Strong love? God? Success? Honestly I don't remember. Day by day things happen, and you put out the fires as you're able... but does that equal success in life? When looking back on life, can someone feel successful even if the daily struggles seem to have sapped every ounce of strength in getting to that point? What makes someone feel content with their lives, even through the lack of financial security, lack of family connection, and a strong feeling of failure in a career path? Should being here for others' sake be what we take away from this life? And should that be the only thing we take away?
I have a lot of questions, but very few answers... hence, gray.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The Breaking of Hearts...
Tragedy has fallen on my little town and my friends and acquaintances this week. I, not being a parent, can't relate to the sadness a parent feels when a child is lost. I can, however, relate to the bullying that went on during my time in school. Children lack the wisdom and discernment that comes with age. Oh if only we were able to have it when we were young. It would make life so much more understandable in ways.
I was a bully, and I know I wasn't the only one. There's one girl in particular that I preyed upon, not to a great extent, but we shunned her. We made fun of her. We didn't have cyber bullying at that point, but what our tongues did was just as bad. I don't know what became of her. I've never heard from her again. She's fallen into the abyss of my history. What I do know is that I've asked God for forgiveness in that... and hope that her life is full of joy and hope.
What I do know is that words are as sharp as a two edged sword. They can't be taken back - you can't un-ring a bell, so they say. Children need to learn at home what words can do, and parents are responsible for that. I don't carry that responsibility, but parenting is the most difficult and most precious job a person can ever have. Some take it as seriously as they can, and some let things fall away. The children don't know what they're not taught. We're not born with prejudice, hate, and the willingness to be mean... it's learned. Public schools and buses were the place where I learned a lot of that... but there were things at home that I learned as well. I regret those things... but they can't be taken back. All I can do is rise above what was once my opinion, and become a wiser and more loving person.
Suicide is never the answer. Mom always said 'it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem'. But that doesn't help now. She's gone. She couldn't take life anymore. I've been at that threshold... but backed away more times than I can count. Many things, inner and outer, can cause a person to be left at that point of hopelessness. This was outer... and the people who pushed this girl to the edge of sanity and threw her over will have to deal with that the rest of their lives. How must that feel, now, and in their futures, to know that they cost someone their life? I dare say, it will haunt them forever. Just as this tragedy haunts the people and family who loved this girl.
Take parenting seriously - be open with your children. Talk to them honestly, and thoughtfully. You are their guide. God is the ultimate Guide, and He knows our lives backward and forward. This girl's life had meaning, and purpose. So does her death. We don't know, and don't understand what the Lord is doing in all of it, but He indeed is in control. He has her now... she isn't in pain any more. Let those thoughts bring peace... and let the Lord in - you won't be sorry.
I was a bully, and I know I wasn't the only one. There's one girl in particular that I preyed upon, not to a great extent, but we shunned her. We made fun of her. We didn't have cyber bullying at that point, but what our tongues did was just as bad. I don't know what became of her. I've never heard from her again. She's fallen into the abyss of my history. What I do know is that I've asked God for forgiveness in that... and hope that her life is full of joy and hope.
What I do know is that words are as sharp as a two edged sword. They can't be taken back - you can't un-ring a bell, so they say. Children need to learn at home what words can do, and parents are responsible for that. I don't carry that responsibility, but parenting is the most difficult and most precious job a person can ever have. Some take it as seriously as they can, and some let things fall away. The children don't know what they're not taught. We're not born with prejudice, hate, and the willingness to be mean... it's learned. Public schools and buses were the place where I learned a lot of that... but there were things at home that I learned as well. I regret those things... but they can't be taken back. All I can do is rise above what was once my opinion, and become a wiser and more loving person.
Suicide is never the answer. Mom always said 'it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem'. But that doesn't help now. She's gone. She couldn't take life anymore. I've been at that threshold... but backed away more times than I can count. Many things, inner and outer, can cause a person to be left at that point of hopelessness. This was outer... and the people who pushed this girl to the edge of sanity and threw her over will have to deal with that the rest of their lives. How must that feel, now, and in their futures, to know that they cost someone their life? I dare say, it will haunt them forever. Just as this tragedy haunts the people and family who loved this girl.
Take parenting seriously - be open with your children. Talk to them honestly, and thoughtfully. You are their guide. God is the ultimate Guide, and He knows our lives backward and forward. This girl's life had meaning, and purpose. So does her death. We don't know, and don't understand what the Lord is doing in all of it, but He indeed is in control. He has her now... she isn't in pain any more. Let those thoughts bring peace... and let the Lord in - you won't be sorry.
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