Things I don't do...

Here's a list of things that don't happen in my world, and things I don't do:

1 - I don't mince words. You'll know exactly how I feel about a subject, and exactly how I feel about you. There's no room in my life for trying to make people feel good, or boost them when they need a real kick in the ass.
2 - I don't care as much as some people think I should - I don't allow other peoples' opinions about my feelings change the things I stand for, and things I stand against. It shows a lack of courage to back down from the platforms you believe in.... I can't care any less about things like gaming, politics, gun laws, or things that don't effect me personally. In fact, I don't have the capacity to involve my mind in those things - I have enough on my mind to fill many days and nights consecutively.
3 - I don't press my opinion on anyone - there's no reason to do this, and I've resigned myself to not force my opinion and/or beliefs on others. You have your opinions, and I have mine.
4 - I don't live in the past - this one is something I've learned recently. I don't want to live in the past, because that's not where I am now. I've had trouble moving away from the place where I once was, but lately things have evolved to the point where I know where I was wasn't where I need to be now. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
5 - I don't fall victim to trends - the skinny jeans that have come anew to the fashion world, I can't see myself in those. I don't wear what I don't feel good in. I like classic styles, and won't be caught spending good money on things that don't look good on me, or don't make sense to purchase. And frankly, I look darn good in the wardrobe I have, thank you very much.
6 - I don't find joy in others' sorrow - I have people in my life who tend to look at others and compare themselves to them, and if they feel lesser than, they rejoice in a fail. I can't do that, or I'd find myself in a worse state of mind than I already am. If someone hurts, I hurt. I pray for people who I don't even know. I believe in the power of prayer, and the strength therein. If I hear of your trouble, you can count on me to pray and believe in your future.
7 - I don't love all 4 seasons - seriously - winter is such a buzz kill. I don't understand my mother who loves every second of winter. What's to love? It's COLD. It's UGLY. It's inconvenient and stressful to drive in. What is so great? People say they want snow on Christmas - that's crap. Don't give me that, because the rest of the 5 months of winter we have around here you're complaining.
8 - I don't tollerate ignorance - it's something I can't stand, and won't stand for. I think people who spew ignorance should be spoken to in a harsh and educational manner that allows them to realize (hopefully) their shortcomings. Don't you dare come at me with anything related to race discrimination, or minority discrimination in general. Women are a discriminated upon group, and I hate it. It doesn't seem like it's as big a deal as race, but it is.
9 - I don't base my opinions on others' ideals - I'm a grown woman, and what I feel is who I've evolved into. I can't tell you how often I've seen the 'christian conservative' snub their noses at others, the lesser, the needy, and the lost. Don't you dare tell me your opinions on these things because if you don't have mercy or forgiveness, you don't have Jesus as a grounding point. Christians, act like it.
10 - In the end, I'm still a human being - I have feelings, and opinions, and beliefs, and I share them. It's a gift, so you're welcome. But, I'm flawed. I admit I don't have it all together, and I haven't been in other peoples' shoes to know fully their pain. What I do have is mercy, a good listening ear, and a strong belief system. We're all entitled to our opinions, that's what makes our country so great. We're free to express ourselves the way we wish to. We're not encumbered with others' requirements of us. Thank a soldier for that. Thank God for that. Thank your misled, dysfunctional government for that. If we didn't have our freedoms, what else might be on this list? I don't want to know...

Gray...

Lately when I open up on the subject of 'me' I realize that there are a lot of things going on, and none of them are at a point where a decision can be made, or where I feel good about it. I described my status in life as being very 'gray' today, and it really is... no answers, more questions, less security, more uncertainty.

What makes a good life good? What makes life full color, and not monochromatic? How do you add color to a life and focus on the brilliant rather than get drawn down into the gray abyss of it all? Please feel free to offer thoughts. Is it what you spend your time dwelling on - refusing to stand by and let the gray bleed into your mind? Is it what you spend money and time on - going outside yourself and focusing on others and their needs? I've tried that, and it continues to add to my gray world. Doing good for others, praying for their healing and success... only to watch as they fall into the gray abyss with me, or not even try to make things better for themselves. The fear of trying has plagued so many of us... the grip of fear is a strong one, and can't be overcome by anyone else but the person who despairs within it. Prayer in these situations seems futile and vague. As if no one hears them, and no one cares.

What makes my life 'good' - or, what made it good in the past? Strong friendships? Strong love? God? Success? Honestly I don't remember. Day by day things happen, and you put out the fires as you're able... but does that equal success in life? When looking back on life, can someone feel successful even if the daily struggles seem to have sapped every ounce of strength in getting to that point? What makes someone feel content with their lives, even through the lack of financial security, lack of family connection, and a strong feeling of failure in a career path? Should being here for others' sake be what we take away from this life? And should that be the only thing we take away?

I have a lot of questions, but very few answers... hence, gray.

The Breaking of Hearts...

Tragedy has fallen on my little town and my friends and acquaintances this week. I, not being a parent, can't relate to the sadness a parent feels when a child is lost. I can, however, relate to the bullying that went on during my time in school. Children lack the wisdom and discernment that comes with age. Oh if only we were able to have it when we were young. It would make life so much more understandable in ways.

I was a bully, and I know I wasn't the only one. There's one girl in particular that I preyed upon, not to a great extent, but we shunned her. We made fun of her. We didn't have cyber bullying at that point, but what our tongues did was just as bad. I don't know what became of her. I've never heard from her again. She's fallen into the abyss of my history. What I do know is that I've asked God for forgiveness in that... and hope that her life is full of joy and hope.

What I do know is that words are as sharp as a two edged sword. They can't be taken back - you can't un-ring a bell, so they say. Children need to learn at home what words can do, and parents are responsible for that. I don't carry that responsibility, but parenting is the most difficult and most precious job a person can ever have. Some take it as seriously as they can, and some let things fall away. The children don't know what they're not taught. We're not born with prejudice, hate, and the willingness to be mean... it's learned. Public schools and buses were the place where I learned a lot of that... but there were things at home that I learned as well. I regret those things... but they can't be taken back. All I can do is rise above what was once my opinion, and become a wiser and more loving person.

Suicide is never the answer. Mom always said 'it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem'. But that doesn't help now. She's gone. She couldn't take life anymore. I've been at that threshold... but backed away more times than I can count. Many things, inner and outer, can cause a person to be left at that point of hopelessness. This was outer... and the people who pushed this girl to the edge of sanity and threw her over will have to deal with that the rest of their lives. How must that feel, now, and in their futures, to know that they cost someone their life? I dare say, it will haunt them forever. Just as this tragedy haunts the people and family who loved this girl.

Take parenting seriously - be open with your children. Talk to them honestly, and thoughtfully. You are their guide. God is the ultimate Guide, and He knows our lives backward and forward. This girl's life had meaning, and purpose. So does her death. We don't know, and don't understand what the Lord is doing in all of it, but He indeed is in control. He has her now... she isn't in pain any more. Let those thoughts bring peace... and let the Lord in - you won't be sorry.

going home

Is it wrong to want to go Home?
To be surrounded by love unending, peace, hope, joy...
To never know fear, sorrow, worthlessness again?

I long for Home. I long for peace, hope and joy...
I want to be in the midst of that.
Nothing here gives me those things... nothing.
I hate to disappoint the people who love me...
to be a burden, a point of worry, a friend who is always in need.

To understand all that is in my mind is to ruin one's own joy.
To try to understand is futile. I've never let anyone in.
I've been told to try. To trust. To overcome the demons that dictate my life.
It's hard. Sometimes impossible. Sometimes overwhelming.

Bring me Home. Bring me peace... joy... unending love.
I can't go without breaking a sacred rule, and I can't bring myself to break it.

I will try. I will fight. I will do all I can to overcome.
The first step is the most difficult...

learning about myself

So today I found out my eating habits, life habits, and other things have caused a significant issue within me. I'm going to have to begin a complete overhaul in order to help myself out of the ditch I've dug for myself. Keeping things inside has rotted my psyche, but letting things out is so very difficult. I've never done it, so it's going to take everything I have to begin this new regime. I've always known that it's bad to keep things bottled up, but for me, it worked all these years.

That, along with lifestyle changes will hopefully dig me out of this place I've called my 'comfort zone'. There will be much need for help, so please feel free to contact me, ask me questions, make me talk... it's supposed to help, and I need all the help I can get.

Prayers are much appreciated, and your love and support has always been a healing balm on my life. Thank you...

making enemies

I'm not sure what's wrong with my neighbor, but she hates me. I've had one bout with her, and so has Ben, but for reasons that are so silly... bettering our property or mowing our lawn. Sometimes it's a wonder what goes through peoples' heads. I've tried to make amends with her, and it just doesn't work out. I'm clear in front of the Lord, so I really can't do any more.

What I've learned through my faith is that being kind to those who despitefully use you 'heaps fiery coals upon their heads'... I guess doing good in the face of ugliness is the answer. Not sure what I can do, but I know she'll get a nice Christmas card from us, wishing her well. Coals: heaped.

socialization

Sometimes it's really not something I want to do - be social. Having to 'play a role' with people when inside I feel like I should be committed... it's hard to cover up sometimes. I have an opportunity to be social again tonight, thanks once again to Ben's kickball team. It was something that I was sure I wasn't going to do... just stay home instead - alone. It seems like people who are 'normal' would never consider being alone versus being with others and having a laugh or two together... but that's me. Having to be a person that I don't feel like being can be extremely taxing.

Lately I've noticed a sort of shunning from the females in the 'group' that we socialize with. To the point of having dinner with 5 others, and one female says nothing to me all night long. Not one word. It's hard, because I'm not sure where that comes from. It happened again the other night in a social setting. Two women who I haven't had an extensive association with who nearly completely shut me out of all discussions and fun. Even some of the guys do it to... I don't know why, but I think it has something with my defense mechanism of being quiet, and having a face on that normally people would shy away from. It's always been what I've done - to keep people at bay. I don't like people to know me - know what I'm thinking or feeling. I keep it inside, and that's where it stays. Ben thinks it's because I'm the 'pretty girl' and they're intimidated by me. I doubt that. They're pretty enough, and have jobs that anyone would envy - lawyer being one. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. It makes me not want to be there. To be shunned in a crowd - why would anyone want that for themselves? Especially with the level of self esteem I have... or lack there of. I'm encouraged only by Ben, and he gives me strength to follow through on some of these social excursions.

Next week, a wine tour with 20+ other people. Sounds great to most people, but I'm feeling intimidated just at the thought. We've committed $, and I don't want to back down now... Plus, I'm cheap, and I don't like wasting money. What will become of these situations I put myself in? Will I cower in the corner and not talk or will I open up and be brave? One thing I've never been in social settings is brave. I cower. I do it a lot. Mostly men who show me attention are the ones I seem to have a decent time with... but then, that's just not right in a big way. I don't know... I just don't know anymore...