Christmas Time...

Christmas is supposed to be a joyful and happy time of year. I try my best to find ways to feel festive. One way is to listen to the Rat Pack's Christmas CD. It's on continuously in my car when I'm out and about. Unfortunately I'm not always in the car.

These last couple of Christmases have been plagued with loved ones passing. Last Christmas eve I lost my cat of 17 years. This year, it's my friend Scott Fleming. I can't say Scott and I were all that close, but we had some very intimate conversations about our depression. We shared the ugliness of sadness... Both of us struggled daily with the realities of mental shortcomings. We knew each other's struggle, and empathized.

This year I'm also saddened by family becoming more and more estranged. I don't like it, but I don't combat it all that well either. I'm a depressed, anxious, anti social hermit. It takes everything I have to swallow all my pills for the day, and ready myself for what I need to accomplish. It seems like a raging river has come between myself and my brother, where no bridge could possibly survive the waves. He hasn't come to me, but has gone to other family in order to decline my invitation to Christmas breakfast. Somehow I knew it would happen eventually, but you never want it to come to pass. This year, it has. This is a turning point in our lives. There are no threads left holding us together aside from the life of our mother. Without her, we would be as distant as any two people could possibly be. Where did I go wrong? What is it about me that he doesn't want to be around? We both have a strong faith base... but I suppose that's the only thing we have in common. I don't try, and he doesn't seem to want to try either. It's sad... I'm sad. I've done what I can do. From here, it's up to him to respond... or not.

Christmas sucks sometimes. We don't exchange gifts anymore... mainly because no one can afford to do it. We've stopped that years ago, but it still feels like a real void in the holiday season. Ben and I barely exchange anymore. We find more significant ways to spend our money. This year it was a bedroom suit and bedroom floor. It was a long time coming... but that leaves Christmas vacant and empty. I can't seem to get past these things. The lack in the season. My friends aren't available, friends dying unexpectedly, gifts are missing, people are missing. I'm not surprised in the least that this is the season that a lot of people decide to take their lives. It's very hard to forge ahead with the burdens of the year still plaguing us. People don't understand. People don't want to understand because it brings down the spirit of Christmas. Christ was born - He is our answer to all of these things, and yet... here I am.

I don't know why I need to write these things down. I probably won't share this, which means no one will read it. It sometimes helps to just get it off my chest and onto another plane. I don't mean to bring down the holiday spirit... I just can't carry it all the time. God be with you all this season and throughout the year.

The Feather...

I was praying this morning, asking the Lord about the possibilities of applying to a job at Wegmans. Many people know that Wegmans is a great place to work, and has long been one of the places that I would love a chance to be a part of. That prayer was interrupted by a tiny feather floating down next to me. I had just said "I don't know, but You do. I just want to know what you want me to do."

That feather. A tiny downy fluff. It must have fallen from the chest of a bird passing through. That feather now is insignificant to that bird's life. It was a small part of it... and now is lost. No large consequence to the bird... just gone.

I felt as if that was what my career is to me now. No great consequence in its loss, just gone. It was a part of me, but now it's lost. It can't be put back into place, like the feather. It fell away, and now I'm left without it. A tiny part of me, now gone.

I'm not sure if I'm reading into what happened. I probably am, and people would scoff at the thoughts I have on such an insignificant occurrence. But somehow, when I ask the Lord things, He responds in ways and makes it known that He is in that response. He gives me wisdom and insight into the things He places in my path, and I know He's there.

A tiny lost feather. A tiny lost career. One part of a whole that once was, and is no more. Tears happened so often over these years of uncertainty. Even now. I feel as though I need to help my family by getting a "real job" but haven't had the capacity or mindfulness to do it. I went through so much rejection over 5 years, it seemed too daunting a task to continue on in the endless fight for significance. Just give me a chance! But no. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I'm at a point asking "why did you show me that position opening if I'm not to pursue it?" And then the feather.

I still don't know if I'll apply or not. I've been rejected by Wegmans and many others. Step out in faith they say... but the feather. Like I said, I probably put too much into that little fluff... who knows.

Pray for me... for my peace. For the answers I look for and can't find. I'll hold on to this little feather as a reminder of who God is, and who I am not, because He holds the answers...

The Silence of God

When something takes you off guard so far, your heart drops and your chest seizes. Every part of you wants to scream out to God... but the only bit of breath you have before you convulse into sobs can only press out "please..." And within that tiny plea, your every hope, every passion, every bit of shattered faith lays bare. 

He's made you this passionate person. He sees you break under the reality of what you see and know about the world... and he leaves you there. He watches, knowing He's created you to feel these things with every fiber of who you are... and He's silent. You realize He's still there... that he knows. But the emptiness of that moment only knows the vacancy of where you think He's supposed to step in and change things. Knowing He hasn't, and He won't change what makes your heart break... it takes me everything I have to believe, and to trust. And I fail. Ever single day. 

That. Right there. That's me. That's me often. Just wanted to write it out...

Ugly Me...

The depths of life are not lost on me. I dwell in the depths. The ugly... the lost... the dark. You don't know me, and no one on this earth knows quite the depths of where I dwell and who I am in those depths.

Today I'm looking at the ugly, as usual. I often spend time looking into the deep current of sorrow. My comfort zone isn't the euphoric and joyous life that the Lord promises. He sees me, and He sees what I see. He sees so much more... I often find myself staggering at the thought of all that the Lord sees that is wrong with this earth and this people He's made. One of my friends who is very heady and bright told me that, if I knew and felt all the depressed and depravation of this earth, it would kill me. I have no doubt.

Precious fathers... dying. Blessed pets... put down and passing away. People struggling with the deaths of parents who have passed months if not years before. There's no end to the sorrow, and I wonder when the Lord will elevate our struggling and come home for us. I wonder every damn day. This world is so corrupt, so broken, so ugly. People don't see the deepest realms of the ugliness... only the things that suit them to see. They're a part of the ugly, perhaps unknowing the depths of what they've done. What they support... what they hold dear. I see so much that isn't what the Lord wanted for us. My mind divides the things I see into what man has created, and what the Lord wanted for us. The divide is as deep and wide as anything imaginable. There are no correlations between what we know and what the Lord wanted for us. None.

I have no expectation of what this blog will bring to you, or to whoever sees it. It, as always, is just me putting down what my mind and heart is struggling with. I struggle so much every day. It keeps me from enjoying any possible joy I find in this awful world. I pray and ask for prayer for people and animals who I know have been lost, put down, faded, escaped this world. I can't help but envy those souls. I pray for the souls, not for the being. All beings have a soul, and I pray for those... including trees. I may very well be more inclined to be part of the Native American standards of belief, instead of Christianity. The things that I find that have altered God's word throughout history makes me think that the Bible I know may very well be only subject to Humanity. Subjected to King James' efforts to change the texts into what he thought was right. I struggle with what people have done to my faith. I'm frustrated with what I see, and what I read, and what I'm unsure the Lord wants me to see. It only adds to my insecurity of what we read, and what He has promised.

I shared something with my friend today that I thought was inspired, but could be turned into something completely different by a mind not softened to Christ's word. I struggle with even sharing what I see in the Word.

I missed an opportunity at my church to help them with graphic design when what I had posted on my Facebook cover photo said "I Hate People". Well, it's not false. I do hate people. A lot. Every day. But I know that's not what the Lord wants of me. This man, a pastor at my church, turned me down because of that. I could have been something more to my church, which I've been a part of for over 25 years. I feel badly about that, but honestly, if that pastor doesn't know the reality of this life on the "common folk" then there's no need for me to pursue it any further. My God realizes my flaws and my shortcomings... maybe I'm not who they need for the issues he reached out for. Maybe it would have just been a hassle for me. I don't know, but I know that how I truly feel was so far from what he thought was acceptable that he couldn't even write me back. Such is life. I'm okay with that.

What you get out of this is your own. I could pray for you, give to you my money and heart, or whatever I can... but reading it is far from accepting it. Be mindful of who you are to others, and to what you may or may not be able to give to others who need you. Love. Just Love.

Irrelevancy

I sometimes reflect back on when I was relevant. Honestly I probably do it daily... To become someone who has no purpose in life on a daily basis outside of the home is staggeringly brutal. I've struggled with it for 6 years now, come July 13. It takes its toll on you. Being a mom might have saved me from the many hours of uncertainty, insignificance, and self loathing. But... that was never a ship I wanted to sail on. So, instead I'm facing daily issues of irrelevance.

When I look back at the things I used to do every work day - handling most of the concerns of my office, my crew, my leadership... and looking at what I handle today, I wonder why I can't do more in a day than I do. I've become a poster child for ADHD... of depression and anxiety... of failure. I haven't looked for a job in a year. I honestly don't think I could be a full time employee at this point. I'm damaged goods, to say the least. And my self worth and self confidence has gotten to an all time low. My pitiful life contains finding "wins" in cleaning the cat boxes and sweeping the floors. Mopping? No. Watching aimless television... yes.

If I reach out and try to find a job, the work that I've done in the past is now irrelevant. I look at Ben's work and how its evolved, and wonder if I would have been able to hack the industry I put myself in 20 years ago. Honestly I don't think I could even walk in the rat race. It's a brutal reality. I hate the choices I've made. I wish I could go back some days, but honestly to go back would be too taxing to my fragile mind at this point. Why am I so broken?! Why did God make me this way? I blame Him. He holds me in His hands. He created me in my mother's womb. He knows the plans He has for me... all that. Some days it doesn't hold true in my mind.

I wonder why people who make due on social services get so much more gratification out of life than I do. Maybe they like the reality of having to do nothing to get paid. Maybe they feel justified when they COULD work, and they COULD make a lot of money, but because they've found this loop hole, they don't have to put out that effort. That's so weak and wrong.

I base my success on my income - always have. I guess that's bad. It doesn't matter to me if I get all the accolades in the world. If the money doesn't come in from all of that, it's all worthless. Honestly it is. It's like, what do words get me? What does someone's appreciation of my work or what I've done really mean? Nothing. Words are so fleeting and worthless. Good words and bad. They have the same weight - none.

So don't take your work for granted. Don't take your life for granted. You earn your way through life and that's valid. To float through life on someone else's dime - that's weak and wrong. Do your best. You'll have so much more self respect.

The World Today...

Our world has become much more individualized as the years have progressed. We are focusing energies on things that were not looked upon as necessary in years past. Things like the autism spectrum, transgender needs and requirements, depression and anxiety, to name a few.

I find myself focusing energy on praying for the small. All species matter to me, and I often pray for each and every carcass I see on the road; each song bird I hear that seems to cry out without relenting; each issue that plagues our society. I find myself in prayer almost constantly. I know that this is a good thing in my faith, but it can be exhausting. What moves you? What brings you into the realm of causing change? Who are you to the passions your heart holds? Who are you to the things that move you? What will you be willing to do for the causes you find worthy? Will you move? Spend money to support? Take up a chalice in order to fight for what's right in your eyes?

We have built our intelligence to the point of no return. People can be found, thoughts and issues that are posted online can be looked at and scrutinized. Freedoms can and are being thwarted because of the things we hold dear. People often exacerbate the issues that we've recently come to see as valid and unnerving. People. We are our own worst enemy. Our words... thoughts... perspectives. Each of us have a voice, and our sacred nation allows for each of us the ability to speak to those things. Our passions, preferences, beliefs... This is a nation unlike any other, and I'm grateful to be an American.

However. What we have on our hands is a new and deadly reality. The things we say and believe in, though valid and valuable, have merit in each and every word we say. Nothing can be taken back. Nothing goes without someone's notice. We say it, and therefore, we are that statement. We hold it, and we own it. Be prepared to stand for the things you say and believe, because without a backbone, your words have only a potentially ugly outcome in other's eyes.

Our world of people who sit in front of a computer screen and spout hate and evil have as much of a presence in our world as the people who post beauty and love. There's very little segregation between love and hate in our societies. One can protest the killing of a gorilla in his cage for the sake of a human child, and one can spew hate and anger over that precious gorilla's life that was snuffed out because of the neglect of a human parent. The endless killing of elephants and rhinoceroses who happen to have horns that other countries believe to be healing has no effect on the society who only believes that we are in the hear and now, and our lives only derive a human's needs and wants, no matter what the cost.

Be mindful of who you are in your community and in our world. We only have one planet. We only have one chance. People may think that this planet will be self sustaining for thousands of years to come are only fooling themselves into believing what the governments want us to believe. We are a dying breed. We are a dying universe. No matter what you think you know, you're probably wrong. Look it up. Google is a powerful resource for information. Truth will trump lies every time.

No matter what you believe is the answer, it's probably only a band aid. What you do each day in this world effects this world for ever more. Be present. Be responsible... it's our duty. God didn't intend this world to last forever... but we as people of Christ WILL last, and will see the end and a new beginning. You may not believe, but if you don't, your choice is your own. There's no bad reason to believe in Christ... what have you got to lose?!

Always The Same Story...

I can't face the world without preparing myself for days in advance. It's become a heavy burden to deal with the world outside my home. When I'm met within my own space, my anxiety heightens dramatically. I've faced house guests in the last few weeks that has put my emotional stability into a whirlwind state. Two weeks housing Ben's parents was such a toll on me. Then, we hired a contractor to refinish our two decks. Having people here at 7:30 am was a challenge. It doesn't matter that they didn't care about what our home looked like. I didn't vacuum... I didn't clean. It wasn't a priority. My priority was facing the day with people in it, and getting through that day. What's wrong with me?!

What's wrong with me is that I'm dependent on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications to help me cope with daily life. Leaving the house... going to the store... facing people. It takes everything I have sometimes. It was worse when they thought I was ADHD. Those meds crushed me. My anxiety was at 200%. Facing friends and family took two days in order for me to ready myself for those encounters. Now, I'm back to where I was. Sad... depressed... anxious. My mind races... telling me all that I need to overthink. Screaming at me all of the doubts and shortcomings I have to face every day. It's exhausting. No meds so far have touched a place in me where I feel relief. Monday I see my therapist once again... what will this meeting bring forward? It's a never ending battle.

I've tried so many different drugs and therapies... my therapist shakes her head wondering what she could possibly try next. How would you feel when your only hope in this world shakes her head at you? It's disheartening... degrading... dehumanizing. It's not worth the fight some days, honestly.

I'm a faith based person, but I know that, if I was MORE of a faith based person, the Lord may help me further my healing. That being said, I sit in wonder... what is not in me that the Lord needs in order to heal me? Why do I continually struggle, only to face more struggle again? I know the Lord is all powerful, and could heal me with the blink of His eyes. He doesn't. He hasn't. My prayers fall on deaf ears. It must be within me to find the answers... but what are the answers? I pray about all sorts of things that the Lord doesn't answer prayer to. Every. Single. Day. Prayer...nothing. Pleading... nothing. Begging... NOTHING. I'm alone in my despair, yet... I'm not alone.

Life is an endless burden of all kinds of awful things. I tire of waking up every day. To what end? Why? What can I offer? And friends? Family? Where are you? What can you offer in regard to healing words? Comfort? Understanding? I'm alone, and it's so very apparent. Thanks. Thanks to all people, God, humankind, and supernatural kind... Thanks for being so very relevant. I appreciate the absence of any and all answers, thoughts, kindness, understanding, love, and change.

Don't read that to be any more than you yourself can offer... it wasn't meant to be all encompassing... only all. Fuck this. I hate you.