I can't face the world without preparing myself for days in advance. It's become a heavy burden to deal with the world outside my home. When I'm met within my own space, my anxiety heightens dramatically. I've faced house guests in the last few weeks that has put my emotional stability into a whirlwind state. Two weeks housing Ben's parents was such a toll on me. Then, we hired a contractor to refinish our two decks. Having people here at 7:30 am was a challenge. It doesn't matter that they didn't care about what our home looked like. I didn't vacuum... I didn't clean. It wasn't a priority. My priority was facing the day with people in it, and getting through that day. What's wrong with me?!
What's wrong with me is that I'm dependent on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications to help me cope with daily life. Leaving the house... going to the store... facing people. It takes everything I have sometimes. It was worse when they thought I was ADHD. Those meds crushed me. My anxiety was at 200%. Facing friends and family took two days in order for me to ready myself for those encounters. Now, I'm back to where I was. Sad... depressed... anxious. My mind races... telling me all that I need to overthink. Screaming at me all of the doubts and shortcomings I have to face every day. It's exhausting. No meds so far have touched a place in me where I feel relief. Monday I see my therapist once again... what will this meeting bring forward? It's a never ending battle.
I've tried so many different drugs and therapies... my therapist shakes her head wondering what she could possibly try next. How would you feel when your only hope in this world shakes her head at you? It's disheartening... degrading... dehumanizing. It's not worth the fight some days, honestly.
I'm a faith based person, but I know that, if I was MORE of a faith based person, the Lord may help me further my healing. That being said, I sit in wonder... what is not in me that the Lord needs in order to heal me? Why do I continually struggle, only to face more struggle again? I know the Lord is all powerful, and could heal me with the blink of His eyes. He doesn't. He hasn't. My prayers fall on deaf ears. It must be within me to find the answers... but what are the answers? I pray about all sorts of things that the Lord doesn't answer prayer to. Every. Single. Day. Prayer...nothing. Pleading... nothing. Begging... NOTHING. I'm alone in my despair, yet... I'm not alone.
Life is an endless burden of all kinds of awful things. I tire of waking up every day. To what end? Why? What can I offer? And friends? Family? Where are you? What can you offer in regard to healing words? Comfort? Understanding? I'm alone, and it's so very apparent. Thanks. Thanks to all people, God, humankind, and supernatural kind... Thanks for being so very relevant. I appreciate the absence of any and all answers, thoughts, kindness, understanding, love, and change.
Don't read that to be any more than you yourself can offer... it wasn't meant to be all encompassing... only all. Fuck this. I hate you.
