When You Realize You've Changed...

I've changed. A short but deep sentence. I was told today that I've changed, by a friend who I've had for 20 years. It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, but I realize I've had a great deal of changes that I've had to adjust to, and they aren't always good things.

What has changed in me? Why are these things changing? What have I done differently that people have noticed? Why are they noticing? Is it bad, or good? I'm at a place where I'm just not sure.

Being a person with anxiety and depression, there are many issues and subjects of change that are in my view, but I don't always see them clearly. I can name a few but are these the things that my friends and family are seeing? If not, what else am I missing?

I've changed my lifestyle, in that I do not work outside my home anymore. I have struggled with not working, and have had probably the most struggle with this reality. My God has refused to allow me a job outside of my home for 5 years now... and I believe that has been my biggest detriment in regard to self love and confidence. I have become more deeply and detrimentally anxious, and have struggled to fight that tooth and nail. I have failed in this realm... I am a depressed and anxious individual. Nothing that I've been able to do has changed that, and it is very frustrating to me.

Who am I now? What am I now? What describes me as a person? As an artist? As a designer? My husband tells me I'm no longer a graphic designer, and should take it off of my business cards. I disagree, although that disagreement stems from my unwillingness to give up the possibility of attaining another design job as a freelance artist. I have gone through 20+ interviews and jobs that have kept my hopes alive in this, although none of them are a reality currently. That has made me angry, skeptical, and frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine that, after all of the 20+ years of design work, to give it up is excruciating. I do it, I love it, and no one sees that. Why? Why God? What makes me lesser? I'm capable, willing, and would always put my best forward, but you can't gain ground with "thoughts" on the subject.

What do you, my friends and my numerous followers (gag) see that has changed in me? Within myself, I don't see a change. I see a drive. I see a determined, well educated, well established individual with goals, strengths, and willingness to do work. I want to work! I want this for myself! Why does God keep me from it? I just can't believe I've sat here for 5 years and have come up empty handed with freelance graphic work...

My latest venture in mosaic glass work has been fruitful, but not enough for me to be proud and to be fruitful. I guess my end goal, as in all things, is to be fruitful, and to be able to sell my work to others for a profit. I have resorted to a local craft show/sale as a possible venue, and deep within me, that makes me sad. No one wants to have to balance their worthiness on an Orleans County craft show. It's just not something that people see as fruitful (among those people, myself). I will do it, get through it, and enjoy it, because of my friend who has put herself out there to help me. I will forever be grateful to her for the encouragement she's shown me.

What do you see that has changed in me? I'd love to hear from you. It will help me see what others see in me, and from that, I can change again, and move forward.

Thanks.

The prison of anxiety

It has been clear to me for a very long time that I am crippled by anxiety. I have recently been able to see a counselor to help me medicate through these issues. I have been crippled by the fear of leaving my home in recent weeks/months. I have gained ground with a new medication but today have fallen deeply into the fear and struggle of anxiety thinking about a trip I have known about for months. The days leading up to the trip are so brutal... muscle spasms, panic attacks, and the anxiety that stays with me throughout all of those things.

My faithful friends pray for me during these times, and I couldn't be more grateful for their prayers and thoughts. Still, through all of the minutes/hours/days of anticipating the trip, I find myself feeling a sense of fear. I know the Lord isn't in fear, and I pray for the strength to overcome it. My faith hasn't been enough for me to overcome it.

Please pray for me as you have in the past. I covet your prayers. I don't know why the Lord is dealing with me in this way, but I know He has my answers. I've been working hard at becoming an artist who is able to sell things that will bring income. As you may know, artists who try to live on the income that comes from selling pieces, it's mostly impossible. Thank you Jesus for Ben! I know he is here for my best, and I can't thank God enough for who Ben is and who I am able to be outside of Ben. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of losing my job at Roberts Wesleyan College. I still have trouble with losing my job, but I know that the Lord is working in me for a better life than I could have had by staying an employee there. I have to trust Him in that, because I just don't see it.

There are people like me who are WAY worse off than me... and I know that I should be appreciative of where I am in my life. Still, it's a common thought to feel lesser... to feel unworthy... to feel low about where I am and what I am. With our world moving further from God and making more and more effort to believe in "self" and "human accomplishment," I struggle with being relevant in this world.

Try to reach out to the people who you know are struggling through life. It's valid, and can mean so much just to hear from someone when we're down. Thank you friends!