Wednesday, September 24, 2014

When You're Scared...

The Lord has had me in His hands from before I was born... this I know and trust. He knows what's best for me, and He has orchestrated my life from the end to the beginning. I am fully a child of God.

That being said, I'm a bit scared at this point of my life. I have been "freelancing" for over 4 years now, and the work has been sporadic at best. The churches and companies I've worked with have scattered needs of me, and there hasn't been a time when I have been without income for months at a time. Take right now, for example. I haven't had a paying gig since late July. I know the Lord has done that for a reason, simply because He knew Ben would be away from August through October, and knew I would need to go and see him for both his and my own sanity.

I've been fortunate as of late to have two interviews lined up on the same day. That is unheard of for me. I went to the first today, and was pleasantly received, and over qualified, which is more the norm than the exception. I would do well in either of these jobs, and have full confidence in that. But going from "zero" to "full time" within a few weeks has me nervous. I know I can do it, but to go back to the "office" full time makes me uncomfortable. I've grown LAZY. I don't get up before 9 most mornings. I wear an eye mask so the sun doesn't disturb my sleep! SAD! I know, you can say it...

What I'm hoping for is the grace and courage to step forward in whatever the Lord deems fit for me at this point in my life. I know He's been grooming me for something greater than what I've been doing. I just don't know what yet. But, that's where faith comes into play. I have the faith to wait on God and to step out into the unknown in faith, so that I can be a blessing to Him and to whomever it is I will be working for. I have a good chance at both jobs - the last time I applied to tomorrow's company I was THIS CLOSE. The only reason I didn't get it was because an internal candidate surfaced. BUMMER. But, like I said, the Lord knows.

Pray for me during this time. I will be leaving again for London October 1-13. That moves into the time frames for today's interview, but probably not tomorrow's. They were fine with my dates at today's interview, so I think I'm all set, but you never know. That could be the very reason I don't get the job. I can say I'm confident in whatever comes to me... but at the same time, to step into it is unnerving.

Please pray that I have the courage and strength to get through this last leg of Ben's time away, and for the same as I approach the possibility of being a full time employee. I'm grateful for your support and prayers!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The positivity of knowing...

Here I am, alone in my home, thinking of the encounter I just had with my friend. Not 4 friends who were scheduled to be here, but one. My dear friend, who I knew would be here.

Thinking on the evening, I realize the gravity of the situation, however minor. We had planned this gathering months ago, and as life often happens, 3 of them were not able to come. My heart is heavy because of the burdens they bear. My heart was lifted by the simple time my friend and I had to spend together.

What my mind goes to is the complexity of life as we move forward day to day. The others didn't realize the things that would halt them from getting to our gathering... they were stopped short in their lives and had to reroute themselves in order to maintain sanity and life as they knew it. I understand that.

What I'm struck with is the willingness to move through the road blocks in order to maintain what we know as "normal". We all have difficulties and issues that come to light every day, and to move through all of that and maintain a sense of normalcy is truly a measure of grace.

God knows what we move through. He planned it out from the before to the aft. He sees the plans He's made for us and allows us to wiggle through life as He sees fit. We aren't miraculous, or genius.... we simply trust in the Lord and accommodate what He sets before us. It's tedious, I'll admit... but not impossible. I've moved through enough obstacles in the last 5 years to know that His will is perfect, and He places our boundaries according to our willingness and ability to overcome them. People outside of us may not see what the entire issue may be, but that's what comes as true friendship.

My friend had her car broken into, and has had a more than full schedule for her full-time job to compensate for in the middle of changing locks, changing checking accounts, and so on. My other friend has a familial issue that can't be avoided, and that may cause many a sleepless night in the process of being overcome. Things get outside of our reality and we have to give of ourselves to either overcome or bypass these things. My friends have chosen to overcome, and I'm proud of them.

As you move through life, don't only dwell on the things in your path, but on the things your friends and family have placed in theirs. God knows that we are all woven together in this thing called life, and we can assist our friends and family through the issues that compound our day to day lives. Recognize those things in others' lives and be willing to lend a hand. Prayer, physical effort, etc., it all means a great deal to those who are in the midst of it.

Be blessed, because God blessed you. You are a blessing just waiting to happen!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dealing with Pride...

I deal with pride on a daily basis. I know it's there, but I will most often excuse my feelings to those of self sufficiency. There are many aspects of pride in my life and I know it's something that the Lord is working on with me.

Being alone in WNY is a challenge I haven't ever had to deal with in my life. I've always lived either at home, in an apartment that my mother owned, or in a home that my husband and I have purchased. 13 years of marriage has allowed me the contentment of knowing my husband and I are partners, and deal with life accordingly. This season of our lives is different. My husband isn't here. My family is, but I struggle with asking for help, even from them. I do ask, for the times when I'm away, for them to help me care for my home an pets. That has come as a fruitful blessing that never gets overlooked or denied. I'm so grateful for my family, and I would never take that for granted. My mother's help especially. She is always here for me, and present in any situation that I face. Who could ask for more? I'm blessed.

Right now I'm struggling a little. Our finances are being pressed with the realities of Ben's working outside of the USA. There should be accommodations for this, but as of now those accommodations are being pressed. It's something that Ben has struggled with during the month he's been working away from home. I know there will be a resolution, but during this "middle period" we continue to work with our savings to cover what we need.

Today there have been a few set backs, and I have considered asking my neighbors for help. I don't like doing that. I love giving, and not asking for others to give to me. Right now I'm facing something stupid and I shouldn't allow it to overwhelm me. The reality in my mind is that I have 2 more months of independence, and I'm facing having to ask for more help than I've ever asked for before. My mower quit. The price tag for that seems frustratingly ridiculous. That, and I have other projects that need to be accomplished before the weather turns. My neighbors are great, but I have kept my distance in asking for their help as a result of my need for independence. Plus, they're not all too able to accomplish my requests. I hesitate to ask, knowing this...

The Lord knows my every moment. He knows what I need, and knows what I'm facing. Those things are a blessing, and a relief to me going through this season. I know I will be successful during this time alone, but facing it daily can be staggering. I may be blowing my situation out of proportion, but in my reality, being alone and having to accomplish things without help has been something I have needed to reconsider.

I don't like to put people in a position where they feel the need to say yes, but have the mentality of wanting to say no. I live in that place every day, and I don't like putting upon my friends and family. I needed to just say that, and clarify that although I'm very independent, I am also in a place of need. Socialization, small incidentals, big situations, it doesn't matter. I'm finding a new place in my life where being alone isn't the best option. Options... they're multiple and can be fruitful. Options allow for others to help people in need. Be it as small and seemingly insignificant as borrowing a lawn mower, or as big as facing a tragedy. Alone is nowhere to be during your times of need. Reach out to those who love you. I think you'd be surprised as to the amount of love and giving your friends and family will have for you. Being a blessing is an option.

Thanks for listening... I'm going to take my lawn mower to the shop tomorrow and hope to ask my neighbor(s) for help during the time I don't have it. Pray for me as I face being alone and being willing to ask for help! It's tough! :)