Sunday, January 26, 2014

When I don't Want to...

There are days, like this one, where I wake up feeling so miserable, that I can't even talk to God. I don't know how other people deal with this feeling, but it takes me a while to climb out of it. It's all inward... nothing outside of myself is causing the misery. I just sit and think about how awful I am, how I don't measure up. How I look terrible... my face is a mess, I'm too fat for my clothes, and I'm too lazy to do anything about any of it. I can't possibly go to church looking like this... I'm embarrassed. I don't have any power over my own choices and my own failures. It's a really discouraging thing to just sit in the midst of your own mind and talk to yourself in anger and disgust. "You're not worth anything. You're worthless. You have nothing that anyone wants. You're ugly - look at what you've done to yourself. You can't be who you want to be, so just don't try."

God's always with me. I know that. He loves me even with these flaws I focus all my energy on. But that's just not enough some days. Some days I need to find it within myself to believe it. To believe that I'm worthy. To know that I have the power to overcome. Today I can't find that. I know it's early, but I've also been through enough of these days to know that the day will pass with me sulking in my bath robe, blanking out on the chores that need doing, or thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow...

I don't have a Christ based ending to this one. I usually do, but today I can't even muster that. I have a friend who posts daily on the wonderful life Christ provides... the things that he sees as stumbling blocks that we can overcome with Christ. Yes, all good. But tell me how angry you got and how long it took you to forgive... or how bitter you are and how God got you past it. Give me a real reason to believe. God never promised ease in life... He promised difficulty. I'm seeing that today. Even though it's all within my own head and heart, it's real, and it's hard. Life sucks sometimes... the uncertainty... the lack of ability to do something necessary without wondering how that's going to be done or paid for... The world is not our friend. We're all out for #1 a lot of the time. It's called survival. Talk to me about that... about the struggle. I'm tired of fighting... and I know I'm not alone.

The sun is shining. I guess I can enjoy that. And yet...

Friday, January 17, 2014

Difficulty...

I'm a difficult person to get along with. I know this... over the years I've understood this through loss of friendship and loss of work. I'm aggressive... opinionated... bold. I tell you what you don't want to hear. I'm not graceful with my words most of the time... it's just who I am. Sometimes it's okay... sometimes I lose friends because of it. I'm grateful for the people who still consider me a friend despite my aggression.

I recently lost a friend in this type of situation. I was aggressed against in a text that wasn't supposed to be sent to me... and I reacted. Poorly. I apologized, but in the end, it wasn't my aggression that halted the friendship. It was hers. I couldn't trust that person any more. I can't believe she's my friend when she would say things like she said behind my back. It just doesn't work for me that way. As I said before I aggressed toward this person "most of my friendships are based on loyalty. '

I see myself as a very loyal friend. One who would go above and beyond to help, support, give to a friend. It's that old "give you the shirt off my back" thing. I'd do that. I still do that. It's me. I realized in the low point of this previous friendship that the feeling/loyalty wasn't mutual. It hurts knowing that. We were friends since high school... and now... we're not. It takes a lot for me to walk away, but being betrayed verbally is something I don't tolerate. I'm a human being, and I reacted in that manor. Now, I work on a daily basis with the reality that I have someone within feet of me who once cared about me but has since disregarded me as a valuable human being in her life. How can that not hurt?

Meanwhile, back at reality... I understand the truth behind 'quality vs. quantity'. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do are spot on. They love me, and I love them. I would give them the shirt off my back, and they would do the same for me. I love that reality. I'm a blessed person to have the friends I do. No one can take them away from me.

So, when you're building your Facebook friend numbers, realize this: there are only a very few people who deserve the love and care you give them. They will show you in time who they are. It doesn't take a major life crisis... it takes time. Building on the friendships you have had is worth the time you have to give them. Be all you can be to the friends you have, because they're worth it. I found that out the hard way... more than once.