Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Being Obedient to the Lord...

Being obedient is really difficult. Especially when you're stepping out into the unknown. I have been experiencing this lately, and have continued to feel fretful and uncertain, despite asking for peace, and knowing that the Lord has everything in control.

I was recently offered a position that I've been offered 4 times prior to this one. It has come over the course of 5 years, and every time I am approached, there are stipulations that I must adhere to that aren't to my liking, so I've continued to turn the opportunity down. This time, those stipulations were waived. I had no other reason to say no to the job... and after prayer and consideration, have accepted (tentatively) the position. Meanwhile I'm walking away from a friend who hired me at a point when I had no alternatives. I feel guilty walking away, but know that my faith calls for me to be obedient in the things God reveals. He revealed to me the reality that I had no reason to say no, and after 4 previous attempts to make me move, cleared a path for me to do so.

I have many reservations. My personality may not fit nicely in this role. I believe it won't, but I'm a pessimist. I bypass those thoughts with the 'it's a 3 month trial period' and 'God will make a way'. My short temper makes me think that I'm going to be canned within a week. I'm not a good phone person, and I have a very hard time hiding my feelings, or masking my voice to sound cheery and chipper. I don't feel that doing those things makes a difference when it's obvious you're doing your best to not berate someone over the phone if you're having a bad day... But, once again, 'God will make a way.' The 3 month trial period, unbeknownst to me, is the period in which they feel I will miraculously come to my senses and be willing to adhere to the stipulations that all staff members do at this establishment. Well, after an eye opening 'workshop' on Sunday evening, I'm even more convinced than ever before that I will most certainly not be adhering to those stipulations.

So. Tomorrow is D-day. I go in front of a hiring panel and will be interviewed. I have so much in my head on how things will go, what I will say, and what I will want to say... it gets me angry inside. BUT: within all of that, is the Lord allowing my buttons to be pressed in order to get me to grow in some way? Is this a test of my patience, respect, and the like so that I will, on the other side, be more of who He wants me to be? Is this for a future purpose? I don't know. I like to shut my mind's eye and say "NO" a lot. I don't want to be changed, because I hate it... but somehow this must be a movement in my life that I need to humble myself and say 'Your will, not mine.'

It's harder than I thought.