I had some disappointing news today. The job that I had hoped I might be a candidate for is not going to be filled once the person leaves in the fall. I had hung quite a lot of hope on that position, and it fell apart today. I was thinking about the disappointment I've experienced over the last few years, trying to find a job in my field. Receiving so many 'no's' from so many different employers, I feel like a bad luck number on a 300-spaced roulette wheel. It's as if I occupy a space on the wheel that never gets chosen, and that never wins. I keep tossing the marble in as the wheel spins, and every time I have hopes of being the winner... all for naught. My lucky number isn't lucky after all.
I trust the Lord for my future, but there are days - like this one - where I just stop and say 'ya know what, this sucks, and whatever you have for me is taking WAY too long to be revealed.' I get the "God's timing is perfect" and "He is constant, your emotions aren't" from my mother - all falling on deaf ears as I stew in my self pity and disappointment. I breathe deep, only to heave in those breaths as if I had been sobbing... riding around in my work vehicle, trying to look and act better than I feel inside to the various places I deliver. It's exhausting to try to put a face on all day when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.
Maybe I'm being dramatic... it wouldn't be the first time. I can get that way after another 'no' from a potential employer. It has happened so many times that I should be used to it, or I should have enough practice to remember how to handle the rejection better... but I fail every time. I want to be more than this. I want to do more and feel accomplished. I don't want to go day in and day out, wishing I could have a more fulfilling life. I want to have it now... is that wrong? I don't care if it is... and I don't want to hear 'go back to school' either, because I have a fucking Master's degree and that, god damnit, should be plenty for me to get a job. Maybe refinancing the house was a bad idea... maybe we should have moved away. At least then there might be a better prospect for me in the job market somewhere else. I'm tired of being the bad number... the wrong one... the loser. It blows, and I'm angry at God because I have no one else but myself to be angry with, and I'm tired of being angry at myself all the time... it's His turn.
