Dealing with Violence

As I sit here, I want to say that, in no way do I ever blow sunshine and rainbows up anyone's ass to make them feel better. That's not my style I'm a realist, and a pessimist. I learned about the violent crime that took place in Albion last night, and it made me sad. I saw the anger and hatred that my friends on Facebook were feeling, and it made me sad as well.

Dealing with unacceptable behavior is part of our world. We all do our best to be our best, and sometimes we ourselves break down and do stupid things. We lash out at loved ones... we spew hate among our friends and family, and we act unloving toward many people we pass by every day who we don't even know. It's based in how we ourselves are feeling that day - that moment. It's human nature. I'm among the worst of the bunch... but I internalize. I don't lash out much, but when I do, it can be ugly. It's gotten me fired. It's left a vacancy in my life where my brother once was. Friends come and go, and we all change, but one thing we have to keep mindful of is ourselves and how we handle certain situations and circumstances.

One thing I've learned recently is that we can only control ourselves. I know how angry and hurt people are, seeing how this type of crime rarely happens in our community. It's scary. It's hard to absorb, not knowing how others' minds work, what situations they have where they have no alternatives but to steal, lie, cheat, and in essence, hurt others. I'm in no way condoning what that man did - there is no reason for it, and never will be. I can say I hurt for the victim and her family... and pray for them. But I also have to pray for the accused. What good does it do any of us to harbor hate? None. We only hurt ourselves. We have to let the justice system do its job, and let God do His.

I don't like seeing hearts and flowers being tossed around on the internet and then turn around and see hate and anger from the same people. I know you, and I know you're better than that. Fear turns all of us into ugly people from time to time, but to try and remember that we can only control ourselves is important.

Let go of your hate. Don't lump categories of people into one - that's not fair. Not all illegal immigrants are bad people. My mother and step dad deal with a large group of immigrants at church and they have a heart for them. There are many who are only trying to find a better life. What would our country be if, back when our grandparents and great-grandparents were all tossed out of the US and sent back to their homeland? We didn't have 'illegals' back then - it wasn't like that. I know there have been a lot of changes in people and in our country over time, but think about it. No, I don't agree with some of our country's policies on these types of issues, and I think that people have become weak and therefore angry over what continues to happen to our nation. We hit 7 billion people this weekend - where are we all going to get food? Jobs? Shelter? It's slowly but surely becoming a reality that no one can really comprehend or begin to tackle, especially if there are those in power who have hatred against certain groups. Hate doesn't do anything positive... it can't.

Live the life you're given, and live it as best you're able. Don't let yourself be brought down by the things others do if at all possible. Pray for those who need prayer. Don't discount the people who do wrong, because they're the ones who need the most prayer, after all...

Doing vs Being

I've got so much in my head it's going to burst.

First of all, I'm only one person. I can't read minds, and I can't move forward on a project without some sort of input. Input in a timely manner would be nice, but when that doesn't happen, I get flack. Flack from the client, flack from the printer... it really bugs me. Why do I have to be the middle man? Why can't you actually give me some sort of respect and, when I'm working on your products, you give me your attention before it's too late? And when it IS too late, who's to blame? Me. It's me. And it's not right. I don't want to hear your bitching, or get a mean email, or get blamed for doing something I'm supposed to do only to get told it's wrong. I hate this... it's not fair. To top it all off, I'm not getting paid! I mean, I wait months upon months for SOME sort of income, and have to beg and plead for things to move. Why? I must have a doormat look to me... although being thin and flat sounds nicer than fat and bloated right now. That's beside the point.

My job has always defined me. It's the one thing that you do more than anything else... it's an 8 hour a day thing (if you have a job), and it's what you put most of your effort forward on in any given weekday. It consumes a lot of your time and life. I'm one of those people. Life shouldn't be about work... I know that, but sometimes all you want is to be worthy of a job, and be doing your best every day. My life isn't full, it isn't happy, and it isn't fulfilling. To have something in life where I can succeed, where I can feel worthy of praise, worthy of money, worthy of the attention I need to accomplish the task at hand. That would be great. I know I work with very different types of people. Some are attentive (thank you Marsha), and some are completely oblivious. It takes a thick skin to do this job... I thought I had it. But when treated like a pion time after time, I think it would be easier to just live on bread and water, and say screw you, I'm done.

That puts a lot of strain on my marriage, and I hate that every damn day. I know Ben loves me, and isn't (terribly) tired of being the sole breadwinner. He does his best, takes the good with the bad, bends over backward to be my all in all. I can't say enough about him... but it doesn't help how I feel about myself. I know I can be more. I know I can function in society... I just can't catch a break... freelance blows. Freelance is the most difficult thing some days. Worthiness and respect is not given, and day after day, I just feel like I don't have what it takes to make it.

In any case, I just needed to vent. I'm tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I'm going nuts. People are avoiding me, things are getting ugly. I need hope. Change.

Loss of Pets

I should have written when my friend Lance had to put his dog of 16 years down a month ago, but it goes without saying that no matter what, pets are a member of the family, and their loss is an emotional hit that can devastate. One thing I am, if nothing else, is an animal lover and activist. I speak for those who can't speak for themselves, and love doing it. I would do anything possible, legal or no, if there was an animal in danger. The devastation of last week's loss in Ohio made me so sick to my stomach - to think that someone could just excuse themselves from their responsibilities of so many endangered animals is beyond me. I would have shot that guy myself. Seriously.

In any case, my friends lost their great dane today, and it hurts them as well as their family. They loved that dog to no end, and his life was short and difficult medically. I haven't known the loss in a long time, but dread the day when that becomes my situation. I know not everyone puts their heart and soul into pets - let's be honest. There are plenty of people who I advocate against who don't see their value. This family is different, as were Lance and John. I hate their sadness and wish they didn't have to go through it.

I know there's a place for me in this realm as a calling, but I haven't found it yet... but you'd better bet that when I find that calling, you'll hear my name. You'll know what I'm doing, and you'll applaud me for what I'm doing. To stand up for the helpless is one of the most selfless things someone can do. Some stand for children, I stand for animals. They're both valuable standings... so stay tuned. There will be a day.

Love your pets. Remember people who grieve. Be more in helping the helpless. You won't be sorry.

Seasons...

Fall is a magical time in this part of the world. The crisp sunny mornings, leaves gliding and spinning all around... the smell of the air is one of my favorite things. If I think too long about it, I'm reminded of what comes next. It seems everyone, even though they've been a resident of this part of the country all their lives, dreads the cold snowy months that are all too soon approaching us. The holidays bring a sense of solitude, and can help overcome the dreariness of the weather, but then there's the long January through March that seems to never end.

Seasons in life are part of what makes life what it is... a journey. Not just the weather, but our lives and all that they're made up of. Daily rituals, routines, work, responsibilities... ups and downs... sudden stops. We can approach these with the same dread as we do winter, or we can take a day at a time. The Lord only gives us strength for the day we're in, and I have a hard time remembering that. My strength is often sapped by the thoughts of what tomorrow, next month, or beyond has in store for me. Without a routine to keep my mind in order, there are moments of utter overwhelming dread.

I don't know if moving to a more consistent climate would help my mental seasons become more even, but somehow I'd like to try it. Life is tough up here half the year... sunless days... darkness... cold... it drains the joy out of me.

Right now I'm realizing my mess, and would like to find an answer... waiting is beyond unbearable some days. The urgency of time passing, seasons changing, and life becoming more difficult looms in the distance. Prayer is the answer, but I can't keep my mind from wandering into the doubts and troubles that always squirm their way into my quiet time. I need prayer, knowing that God has the answers I seek. Wouldn't it be lovely if, for some reason, everything suddenly fell into place and life became a warm blanket of safety and security - filled with everything happy and right? That's when I go mentally into Jesus' arms... imagine the peace there. I know I have friends who don't feel the same way I do, but I also have friends who do... and I'm grateful for my faith based circle who continue to keep me in prayer. I do pray for you as well. I try, at least. Thank you for your friendship... it makes a difference in me.

Okay, I'm just talking now...

I've got a lot of garbage in my head... too much for most people to stay sane, in my opinion. I think constantly, because I rarely have anything to think about right now, outside of myself. Every day is a long draining hour by hour existence that's filled with the 'what if's' and 'whens' of life. I can't control it... I can only control myself, of which I do so poorly. I have bad ideas, bad habits, and a lack of organization that allows me to float through days with no sense of responsibility or care.

I want to be responsible. I want to have a life that requires more of me. I want people who check on me, who want to know what I'm up to, and who care enough when things are bad to say 'hey - maybe that's not a good idea'... although I rarely share my bad things with anyone. It makes it tough for my friends, and I know that. I appreciate their prayers for me, and knowing that they DO care, but there's not much in the middle. I shouldn't need a basbysitter. I shouldn't burden people with my issues. It makes me feel like I should be locked up somewhere - somewhere that those things are required. I have a friend who has had to go into those places because of her choices and mental instability... it hurts my soul to know she needs/needed that type of care, but in the end, I'm one day behind her in a lot of ways.

In any case, I don't like what I think about - what I see - what I hear - who I encounter - what comes from people I don't even know. I shouldn't judge, I know that too... there's a lot in other peoples' lives that I don't have a clue about... but still, I find myself avoiding people and avoiding friendships because I don't want them to see the ugly in me, and I don't want to know their ugliness. I protect myself against it. Someone shared with me today how she and I always tend to keep that 10% of ourselves from others, just for our own heart's sake. I agree with her. She makes sense. She always has in that way. She doesn't make sense to me in a lot of ways, but that one part, she does. There are others who are the eternal optimist, and that bugs the shit out of me. Why are you so optimistic? What in life makes you so? I can't see it. My glasses are in no way rose colored, and I see things very differently than they do. I guess I'll just have to stop and let them be them, and hopefully they can allow me to be me. Life's not a bowl of cherries... it's hard. It sucks sometimes. That's my bottom line.

I have a faith. I can't say it's strong anymore... but it's part of who I am. I try to bring it into the present as much as possible... but some days it's just shoved back into the background. My friends bring it forward... I bring it forward when I have to - so people and family know that I still have a faith base, but some days I think I'm faking it. Moments of insecurity bring me to imagining me with Jesus, wrapped in his robe, and pushing my face into His chest, smelling the incense and perfume of his Glory. I stay there mentally until I can move again. That happens a lot.

I wonder sometimes how my other friends deal with things like this... with moments like this... where do you turn? Do you just go inward? Do you call a friend? Do you pray? Do you go out and do something to distract yourself? Most of my friends have families who take up more of their brain power than what I deal with, so I'm sure that's part of their sanity, as weird as that might sound. They don't go deep into their own heads a lot. I do. I'm there all the damn time. What the hell am I doing in my life? What's meant for me? I leave it to God out of sheer frustration and exhaustion. I know it may seem lazy to some, but there are days where I can hardly eat anything just because my mind doesn't go there. I have to remember or care enough to bother.

Now I'm rambling... I'll leave this blog now, going back to what I was doing... staring at the television seeing what horror has happened in the last 24 hours since I watched last.

Don't be me.

The Places We Dwell...

Recently I've noticed more the homes that people I know live in... and there's a part of me who is envious, and part of me who just loves the home I'm in. So many different styles, tastes, ways of life... it's so interesting. You can tell a lot about a person/people/family by their homes and the conditions of their spaces.

One of our neighbor families is moving away to Virginia, and their home is for sale. I've been there, spent time inside, and have been in love with it for many different reasons. It's huge, for one. It's immaculate, even though they have four children under the age of 8. The woodwork is all original, the furniture is all period pieces, and they have the financial ability to make their home into a true work of art. That's what I envy... the ability to have things that set the inside of your home off to be as pristine and beautiful as the outside. We bought our home because of the beauty if held as a structure, but haven't been able yet to fill it with loveliness to the point where I can be proud. Pride is an ugly thing at times - I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I admit, my furniture isn't what I want it to be. However, I have friends who call their houses 'shitholes' - two sets of friends who we spend quite a bit of time with. One has the ability to do something about it, yet don't have their hearts in it, and therefore don't change the inside to their liking. The other has the ability, and are trying to update their home, but time passes, and things get put aside, making it hard to enjoy having people over (in their opinion). Life gets in the way a lot... things happen.

Inside some of my friends' homes it's as if no one lived there. Nothing out of place, not a speck of dust, everything as if the home was empty. I love a clean home, but don't have the gumption to get at the dusty corners, hard to reach spaces that things and dust accumulate, clothes in places they shouldn't be... sometimes it's a mess. I envy the people who can keep their homes clean and immaculate like the one enormous home we visited this past weekend. We don't know the people well, but the home is enormous, brand new, and decorated to the T. Nothing out of place, no dust to be seen anywhere, every room was perfectly decorated and kept. How do you do that when you're a full time lawyer and your husband is away a year at a time in the service? Maybe they have a cleaning service, I don't know... either way, I was highly impressed. I have other friends whose homes are smaller, but it's the same way - perfect decorations, nothing out of place, no dirt... it frustrates me a little inside. I don't work right now - so why is my house a mess? Is it that I just inwardly don't care? Is it laziness (that's my bet)? I feel as though I should be doing more.

Messy homes are the sign of an active household. Kids playing, meals eaten in front of the television, full time working parents who don't have the time to set aside for such things as dishes, laundry, picking up toys fifteen times a day, etc. I grew up in a bit of a mess myself... my mother hated cleaning, and didn't really put her all into it. There was a point in time when she did, but the turning point in all of our lives was when my dad passed away, and mom stopped treating us all like children, and expected us to make our own way. Clean your own laundry, help with the meals, clean up after yourselves. I was a child for way longer than I should have been... To this day mom hasn't changed her ways much. She has had to relearn how to make her home presentable. I think some day I'll have to learn that same lesson, as I'm like my mother in a lot of ways. But why, if I'm flustered by it right now, can't I change right now? I have no clue why I'm the way I am. Frustrating.

In any case, it was just a small case study, seeing how people live, why they are the way they are, and how things for some people are easier to accomplish than others. I know we're all different, but it's interesting to know why some things go undone and others are so overdone...

Tell me about your house style - your living style... what bugs you and what keeps you doing the same things... I'm interested.

A Week To Forget...

So, my vast fan base and friends, what's new? Anything? Everyone healthy and happy? Ahh... that's good... however - I have to tell a tale of my last 7 days that will remind you to always be careful of your health.

Approximately one week ago I began experiencing severe abdominal pain after consuming some yummy calzone from up the street here in Holley. It didn't go away, didn't decrease, and became obvious that this was going to be the first emergency room visit in over 20 years. Pain killers, IVs, tests, and all sorts of prodding and questioning resulted in us staying in the hospital for 4 hours, leaving for home around 4 a.m. I wasn't convinced it was over, but was glad at least to go home to my own bed. Saturday begins, and more pain increases. Again, at midnight, another trip to the ER. This time, it was worse, and I knew something had to be done. More poking, prodding, tests, and an additional ultrasound resulted in the revelation that my gallbladder was in dire straights. They kept me in ER until the early morning Sunday when I had emergency gallbladder surgery. Come to find out, the organ was dead - yes, DEAD. It was 10-12x the size it should have been, black, full of stones, and leaking bile. They were amazed at it, and ended up taking photos, which will eventually be part of a presentation by the surgeon next February when he goes in front of the Unity Health group at a conference on gallbladders. They told me it was 'troublesome' to get out, and that it had damaged the tissues around it because of its decay. Lovely huh? Yeah... it's strange how something THAT BAD could come about so quickly and severely, but when I asked, the doctor said 'it didn't! It was bad for a while... you're just one of those scary patients who have a high tolerance for pain.' I doubt that, seriously... I'm pretty much a wuss when it comes to pain... but I have to say that whatever pain may have preceded this past weekend was nothing compared to what was going on a week ago.

Since then, I stayed in the hospital 4 days due to the levels in my liver and surrounding tissues, as well as my white blood counts being too high. It was pretty hard. Hospitals are one of my least favorite places, the one I was in is particularly 'iffy', and home is where I seem to be at my best. Once I was released, I still had a 'drain' in my side, which I can't express enough how inconvenient, gross, painful, and intrusive it was. That was pulled out of my side this afternoon, after someone had told me that 'yeah, that's really painful'... Great. It was. It sucked. But, only for a few seconds. It felt like someone was pulling a rope through my entire mid section and out the other side. It still kinda hurts... but I'm at this point, feeling like I'm recovering. Quite an ordeal. Quite.

In any case, hospitals are no fun, and I hope to keep as far away from them as humanly possible. Tonight I'm mourning the reality that I can't have pizza for dinner... that low fat is in my future for at least another week. Hopefully things will feel more normal as days go by...

Thanks for the prayers and emails, texts, and FB notes. I appreciate the support. Keep yourself in check people, because this sort of week is something you don't want to do more than once!