what makes us who we are...

I was in the city (Rochester) recently at a home I'm not often at, and when I was outside alone I realized there was a fight beginning to happen within a few hundred feet of me. I was alone in the episode - it was only me noticing what was about to happen... I prayed that the fight wouldn't actually take place, and that the Lord would have his hand over each of the people in the scenario, and actually it didn't happen after all the screaming and yelling at one another. I was surprised, just because hey - it was a late Saturday night, and I thought surely someone would be drunk or stupid enough to being the scuffle. I was grateful for the fact that it didn't end up happening, but found myself walking to the back of the property where I was, even closer to where the fight was about to happen. I had no fear in it - just felt like I wanted to be closer. I thought at one point as I stood close to the fence that maybe a gun would be part of the issue and that possibly I would be a statistic in Rochester's list of deaths/shootings but wasn't afraid. I don't fear death - it'll happen when it happens, and I know the Lord holds my path. I had thoughts of 'what if', thinking it wouldn't be so bad, going to heaven in a sudden and (hopefully) minimally painful way... but alas, the scuffle was not to be. I was fine, and walked away with many thoughts about what makes us who we are.

What makes us do things like that - act out in aggression against others? What makes me the peaceful person who only apologizes to my irate neighbor who is screaming at me from her door for no real reason? Why can't I engage that animal part of me that brings me to a place of anger and hate that I would step outside of my humble life and be the person who people fear? Sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad... to have something about me that people would see as fearful... uncertain... indecisive... short tempered. What makes me who I am, and what makes those people who they are/were?

I figure it has to be my faith base - knowing what the Lord teaches, and being so ingrained in me that I follow blindly without even a thought of anything else. I know people who are certain of themselves to know that they'd react violently - aggressively - defensively, even if it wasn't their fight. I don't understand that type of mentality. Who are they that makes those decisions okay? Was it their upbringing? A bad incident that brought out the worst in them? I know a man who was in Vietnam, and was shot at... more than 30 years later he was part of a paramedic unit that happened to be near a shooting, and he instantly became a different person. He withdrew and regressed into the man who was in Vietnam. He's never been the same person since. It destroyed his marriage of 20+ years... he lives alone... I don't know what happened, but he needs medication to keep him even... life has become a battle ground for him again, and he can't get beyond it.

I don't know that reality. Vietnam is a part of me, simply because of my father who was part of that war, and the book I put together of his and his friends' photos of their experiences there. They were part of the very early years of the conflict, being called "Advisors" instead of army soldiers... but it makes me wonder what happened in all of that where it could possibly, if my father was here, change him from who he was in my life, to a person in a state of paranoia where he couldn't tell the difference between reality and what he remembered being in the midst of in Vietnam.

In any case, I learned a lesson in my faith that night - being so close to what could have been an ugly confrontation between people I didn't know, but was close enough to for me to be in the mix of the problem. I pray for those people - for them to find Jesus, and to be better people than those who act like animals. I trust what my life will be will affect those types of people, and maybe help them find peace in life... but it's a lifelong effort.

Gearing up for Autumn, and hating it.

This is the first year I can say I don't want fall to come... I'm not ready for it. I loved summer this year, even though I sweat myself in half on those 90+ degree days in July. I rarely complained, simply because as I grow older I appreciate the ability to do things outside - walking barefoot out in the grass, smelling the freshly mown lawns... hearing the birds in the trees... it's all so good for the soul. Fall has its place, and about the only thing I can think of that I enjoy (two things) are wearing my comfy warm clothes and not having to make sure all my added stuffing is in proper place, and the colorful canopy across the region. It's beautiful here in the fall, and I'm sure I'd miss it. People who move away say that's one of the main things they miss - having more than one or two seasons. I guess at this point it may take me a few years to miss it, if I was to move away... but then who knows.

Changing seasons causes us within ourselves to change - to think about things - where we're headed, what's ahead of us long and short term... things that come up yearly but we don't really think to heavily about it most of the time. We ready our homes, our wardrobes, our outdoor plants and decorations... ready ourselves mentally for colder mornings, shorter days, and having to wear socks on a regular basis...

All I'm saying is, I'm not ready. I'm growing older, and this 'end of summer' feeling weighs on me. I thoroughly enjoyed my summer, and accomplished a lot while continuing to look for work. You may find me at the local 7-11 cashing drunken passers by out with their candy bars, beer, chips, and cigarettes. If you do, pretend you don't know me... it's just better that way!

Just need to write it out...

I don't know if anyone else has days like this, but I can't sit and leave it silent. I need to get it out of my heart and somewhere tangible.

There's been a lot of time this last year where I felt like something is just terribly wrong with who I am. That whatever I am just isn't good enough for much of anything. It isn't every day, but days come and go, and I try to fight the feelings, but once in a while they build up to a breaking point. I've tried to change myself - be better, stronger, different. I haven't had a lot of variety in my experiences in life to really broaden me in that regard. There have been things that I feel have made me better, but then the rest of the time I try to fill the void with trinkets or clothes - even changing my hair completely - just to see if THAT would help. It hasn't. These are also the times when I get silent with God. I don't ask anymore - pray anymore... because He isn't talking, and I'm not listening.

I'm scared that all I'll ever be is this woman who couldn't hack it - even at a Christian institution that's always been known for being overly tolerant of too much garbage to even think about. Not me - I wasn't worthy - I was too bad... too weak... too insignificant to keep. I felt like a tiny fish tossed back because I was worthless to the fisherman. I know I should be past this by now - I want to be. Somehow I can't find my worth. I've let a lot slip in this last year. Nothing seems to matter very much. My relationships, my home, my marriage... it's all a mess. Hanging on by threads. I see people trying to better themselves, being successful, struggling but continuing to fight through, and I envy them. Did they have to change this much to get to where they were satisfied with themselves and with life? What makes them try harder, fight harder... I don't bother to ask, because I'm too ashamed to admit my own inner failings.

I don't want people to write me and give me verbal pats on the back for this... it isn't about that. It's within me, and I have to be the one to rise up within and find the strength for another day. I need the Lord, and I know He's somewhere, but sometimes it's too hard to fight through the garbage to try and listen and try to find the encouragement that people say comes through Jesus. It's just hard to be this broken inside, and not know how to fix it.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Today is a lovely day outside, so that in itself is encouraging. Hope is where I'm lacking - not faith, but hope. Hope is so easily missed... but so necessary.

San Diego Adventure

I must say, the west coast is lovely... all the time... and coming back to a cold and dismal rainy weekend isn't exactly spectacular in my book. But, I digress. Going to SD wasn't my idea - it was Ben's. He thought it was important for me to get away for just a little while. After going, I agree whole heartedly. I can see myself living there - but the road blocks to that are daunting. Home sales, moving, job finding (sigh), and no connections aside from a few computer gurus that Ben would be working with. The weather is the only thing calling my name anymore, now that the zoo was such a major fail.

Yes, my heart was ready to see things I'd never seen before. Experience things I'd never done before... and the first day there, I definitely did. I honestly had such high hopes for the SD zoo - all that I'd read about their work with saving the panda population, keeping such a magnificent facility as to being the best zoo in the country (rankings on several google'd sites)... my heart was ready. To top it off, a position available - with elephants! How was this not a gift of the Lord? I'd been so parched for a word from God on what my life's path might be... I was ready for this to be His answer. It wasn't. The door was shut straight away in my face as I asked about the position at the HR department when I first arrived. Fail number one. Then, deciding that I'd paid my ticket to see the zoo already, I was anxious to see all the splendor that this place would have. How well the animals were kept, the spacious and lush environments made carefully and specifically for each individual animal species they cared for. Fail number two. As I approached where I'd longed to see - the elephant experience, I began to cry. It was nothing like it should be. It was so not right... after seeing how pristine and glorious the elephant sanctuary in TN was, this was down right ghetto comparatively. My tears were masked by my sunglasses so people wouldn't see... but I searched the entire habitat for some ray of hope for those poor creatures. Nothing. Dry, steel structures for their 'shelter', no grasses, no trees... rocks and dirt. No ponds or mud to frolic in - nothing. My heart was broken. It still is...

Ben knew the main reason for going with him was to finally see this place, and with such a disappointing outcome, he graciously left work early and took me to the ocean - the second reason I wanted to go. I'd never been to the ocean, never been in it, or stopped at its edge to view it and all its power... we enjoyed it. Although I have to say, getting a hefty gulp of sea water is not pleasant. Plus, CA waters are cold... that's why they don't get hurricanes over there. The water doesn't allow enough heat to cause storms of that magnitude (another plus for west coast living). I got past my disappointment, and day two was just for me... ocean again, photos, a trip to a completely overpriced mall, and dinner out at an ethiopian restaurant with Ben's coworkers. That was fun, although me and ethiopian food - not so much. Then came the long boring trip home across the country. That's always tough... dead tired from getting up at 4 a.m. in order to make a 6 a.m. flight... sigh. Glad it's over.

For me, a new experience did my soul good... I was happy to have done and seen all that I did, all things considered. I've gained wisdom in knowing I will never work for a zoo in my lifetime. Foolish me thought this place would be different, but alas... it wasn't. And never will be. Bravo on the good work they do with endangered species, but there's great need for improvement all the way around.

Back to reality, and once again feeling dried up and useless. I did come up with an idea after being inspired by a painting that was just such a happy and simple piece - I know I can do the same. I just hope I can pull it off and find success in it. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I'll post photos as I get them ready for computer viewing. It's a beautiful place - sunny, warm, and lovely things growing all the time - flowers, succulents, flowering shrubs, you name it. Color is everywhere. No wonder so many creatives live in that part of the world. It's inspiring. Don't be surprised if I change my mind about moving away... it would be tough, but worth it - at least for a little while. :)