Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Days like this...

Many days come and go without much thought about the future... but I'm currently in a place where the future in all that I think about. I think about who I'll be, what I'll be, when I'll be that person, and how I'll do once I've come into a new season in life. My current season has been very difficult, although there are small victories and small boosts of encouragement that come at the right times, and it helps spur me toward the next day, and the next possibility. Seasons come and go, and we learn from these seasons as we walk through them. Sometimes walking isn't an option, and crawling through seems to be the only way to get there. I've been there, and done that... I've crawled for quite a bit of this last year. Thank God for unemployment, and for people who pray for me and encourage me on a daily basis. I couldn't get through these days without them, or without God.

God has His way of working us through tough times... it's difficult, and it wasn't meant to be anything but that. He has my answers, and He knows my path, from the end to the beginning. He knew me before I was born, and he has laid out my life's plan for me in such a way that it's best for His purpose for my life. I don't know that this season has been beneficial to anyone except for me, and to say that takes a lot of faith. I don't see the benefits... I don't feel any benefits, but He sees, and He knows. So, I take hope in the fact that I believe in the Word of God, and the promises left for me in that word. Just grabbing hold of one promise and hanging on tight to it is all I can do sometimes... and even then, my grasp is weak. 

What I know is that I will be more than this. I will be better than this. I will achieve more and be successful in some regard because of who He wants me to be, and I have to take heart and wait on His dealings with me. I don't know if anyone who reads this knows those feelings, but I'm guessing some of you do. Breaking the bonds of guilt, loss, failure, impatience, anger, and fear are so difficult sometimes. Days come and go, and it's as though the blackness veils the light. I know there's light somewhere, and I seek out the light whenever possible. Prayer, and the reading of scripture can help that - I know this, and yet sometimes it's just too much to bear. Prayer evades me, and hope is like a long lost friendship that I wish on its return. 

I hope the friends I have realize my shortcomings, and forgive my lack of communication and lack of availability. I do strive to be what I can be, and do what I can do for my friends and relatives that may seem easy enough to them, but for me is such a stretch for me to accomplish. I praise the Lord for the gift of my mother, and my husband, and the people who truly know and truly love, and truly pray for me. It helps me to know that there are so many who love me and love the person they know I will be some day. 

Giving up the ideals of life is hard as well. Wanting to do something, knowing you don't have the education or expertise to do it is so degrading. So bleak. I've got a passion in my heart, but getting from here to there seems impossible, and every roadblock possible goes up instead of doors being opened. I wonder why I have these passions, if they aren't God's will. Why did He give me such strong passions if it isn't in His will for my life? I can't answer that question, but I can continue to hope and walk forward, hoping for a door to open. That's all I can do. Hope in the Lord, and hope in the future...

Don't give up on your dreams, because there may be a day when they come alive for you. I trust in this, and I trust the Lord will make my path straight and clear as I continue to move forward. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Camping oh Camping...

What do you say about an experience that leaves you the same way you felt before you experienced it? I have to admit, although there were moments of hilarious laughter and fun, camping for me is not a good thing. We had shelter that was very palatial, although we chose to stick with the initial trailer that is, in all ways, groovy and retro. The palatial accommodations were available, generously due to my friends who own the amazing camper... and we did use some of its amenities... but we bedded down in their 'shaggin' wagon' which was much older, quite quaint, and overall just fine for the time we spent camping.

Now, camping may be very different with just adults - I don't know, because I've never been camping with adults only. Children make things interesting. They're full of ambition and anticipation... and I was not. My partner in crime for the two day experience was just as full of ambition and anticipation as I, but she didn't show it. She is THE most thorough camper ever - bringing basically her entire kitchen in huge coolers in order to make sure everyone ate well, and all the comforts of home were available (in regard to eating, that is). I give her credit - she and I both bucked this experience, but she was a trooper, and came out being a heaven sent asset to what I anticipated as being 36 hours of pure hell.

Camping primarily consists of eating, sleeping, and eating... did I say eating? Yeah... it was full of that. The men of our group were all about cooking out over a fire and eating heartily. It's different when you're a vegetarian... you don't have the same things available to you, nor do you want your food to mingle directly with things such as bacon, bacon grease, ham, ham grease, or the like. It was a challenge to the cooks to make sure I ate well, and I think they succeeded. My new found 'vegan marshmallows' were a fun experience, as I haven't had a smore in 16 years. Thanks to my friend Lisa, we had farm fresh brown eggs for both mornings, although the second morning all of them went into the before said bacon grease, and I had to pass.

I did a few 'firsts' while on this trip... we all did. There were those 'giant plastic death balls' available, and we all got in, one at a time, to see how well we could navigate over water in a hamster ball... it was funny. I think it's video taped, which scares me, but I laughed a lot trying to stand up in that thing, and falling down repeatedly like some sort of drunken sailor... very interesting, and amusing. The air in those balls does get quite hot and thick, making you feel like you're breathing CO2, so each of our experiences were barely 5 minutes long, if that. I think I was out of that thing by the time 2 minutes rolled around. But, I did it - and it was fun. The peddle boats were another matter. Ben and I couldn't for the life of us steer that thing to save our souls. It became an ugly moment, but after being so frustrated that our cohorts ended up tying us to their 4-seater and dragging us to our destination, we finally got a handle on things on the way back to the docks. I guess, after hearing from others, that they are definitely difficult to navigate. It wasn't just us... There was also a slide into the 'pool' at this campsite, which most of us took turns going down. I haven't been down a pool slide in probably 25+ years, so it was nerve wracking to say the least. I screamed like a girl each time I went down... but I ended up going down it several times anyway. The weeds were thick, which freaked me right out. I was sure the Swamp Thing was going to grab me up and sink me... Everyone was a little freaked by the weeds, but it's a river, so what are you going to do? There happened to be a very entertaining 'it bike' available for use at the 'pool', which was nothing short of the most amusing part of this campsite. The it bike is a watercraft, made up of a wide floating base with a 'bike' on top, which you peddle and steer around on top of the water. The seat was broken, and my first attempt on it was in the dark, in an altered state, and was completely hilarious for the onlookers. We each had our fun with it, and suggested they have them for rent, but their limited ability to navigate the thick weeds in the river posed a problem, so they decided to forfeit that idea, and just allow the campers to use the one at the pool. If there were more of them I'm sure we would have had races and scooted around the river as a group... but the one we did have was quite fun as it was...

No spiders made homes in my hair at night, thank GOD, because I forgot my crunchy plastic shower cap at home. I can say that I was covered in mosquito bites one night after laying down and having one insist that I was going to be his meal for the day. That was annoying... to say the least. Having to shower yourself with OFF spray before bed is not an enjoyable way to lay down for the night. Overall the bugs weren't a problem... just that one bastard. And, I didn't encounter any skunks on this trip... I heard a few things, and saw what I believe was either a beaver or a large muskrat swimming near our campsite, but for the most part it was only loudly honking geese who take residence across the inlet from where we were. Both wild and domesticated geese were there... and kept staring across the way, as if to indicate their interest in the possibility of a morsel or two. The children fed the geese in the early morning, but only for a brief bit... they didn't want any part of the adults who came along to watch.

I can say that, after 24 hours, I'd had my fill. The morning of day 2 and I was spent. I didn't sleep well, I was grumpy, hot, and tired... ready for home. I think I made that obvious enough... which is a weakness of mine. I don't hold back when I have a mood. Coming home, we crashed into a nap immediately. Didn't even unpack the car first. It was just so exhausting to me overall. I can't say that I'll ever 'want' to go camping again. I didn't this time, and I probably won't next time either. I did it because the others wanted to, and it was an experience worth having, but on a very minimal basis.

I'm sorry this post isn't as amusing as the last one - but overall, this experience wasn't amusing. We did have a few moments of hilarity - one being a trip to TOPS in which we discovered we weren't as prepared to drive and shop as we initially thought. I wouldn't recommend it - because paranoia sets in, and you end up either freaking yourself out, or freaking other people out in the process of trying to gain control of your mental faculties... "How did we get here?!" and "They're onto us!" were frequent comments made during that trip. There were other quotable moments during the time spent... but my mind fails me. Maybe my partner in crime Nikki will add a comment and share some. I know her husband Joe had a couple of good ones.

We've been offered a schooling on camping by some pros I know... it may be a good idea, but not for a long time... a LONG time.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Camping... not for the faint of heart

Realize first that this post comes BEFORE I even attempt to go on this camping journey... being the anxious antisocial, it should come as no surprise to my vast fan base.

Camping is a learned craft that, when perfected, can be an enjoyable experience - to an extent. My years as a child camping with my family did me no favors, as I don't recall any fond memories of the events. I wasn't old enough to be able to protest, and the process was completely handled by my parents, but still. It wasn't fun for me.

Picturing myself in this not-so-woodsy experience has me thinking - almost constantly - about what the hell I'm going to do out there. If left to my own devices, I'd probably exist on PB&J and water. With two fairly experienced campers (as well as fairly enthusiastic ones), I know things will even out... but still. I'm picturing myself in the midst of a muddy, cold, rainy campground with strangers looking at us like we have no idea what we're doing. We're not astute in the ways of fire building, cooking outside, or much of any of the other things campers do. Here's me, in a slight panic, looking around and thinking "where is my next meal coming from?"

There are things to do at this campground - don't get me wrong. It's near water, there are things you can rent to entertain yourself on the water... man powered water crafts, a riverboat tour, etc. One thing I envisioned was to be inside of a 'hamster ball' (large floating ball that a human can "run" on the water in), finding myself not alone inside of this capsule of death, but being accompanied by a large intrusive spider who is not all too happy with being spun around as I try to navigate in this giant plastic water toy. I fall into panic, to the point of passing out, and the camp staff will need to call in the fire department to come drag me and this oversized death ball out of the water in order to save me from an untimely demise.

I have a number of shortcomings that will do me no good out in the wild. I have no sense of balance, my eyesight is poor, especially in the dark, I poop easily, and have little common sense when it comes to outdoor activities. What if I have to wander a quarter mile to the restrooms, and a skunk happens to be in my path - and it decides to turn and spray me with its ungodly stench? I'd end up shoved into a large hefty bag, tied at my neck, riding in the back of the car with all the windows open, hopefully keeping my husband from hurling as he races me home for a tomato juice soak! What else could possibly happen in that situation? Me sitting a good distance from my group for the duration of the trip, smelling like death, having them toss a coin to see who brings me a veggie hot dog? That's just bad. These are the things I think of. Also wet clothes, unwearable mud crusted shoes, no extra clothing... and what about sleeping situations? We'll be in a little camper, but I WILL be bringing a plastic shower cap to sleep in, for fear of giant spiders and bugs crawling around me. Sleep will be minimal, I'm sure. Crunching plastic shower cap around my ears as I try to find a comfortable position in a tiny trailer next to my husband who will by doing his best to sleep through my tossing, all while trying to wear his sleep apnea mask that HOPEFULLY will have a power source. If not, we're all screwed. I feel I'll be coated in a sticky layer of bug spray the entire time, leaving a nice film on whatever blanket or sleeping bag I happen to try to stay warm under. This is going to be epic. Can you feel it?

Luckily we're near not only a restaurant, but a small village that has enough shops that carry items I know we'll forget... At least we can pay to eat... and gather supplies as necessary. It isn't true camping, as some would say, but hell... it's as close as I'm ever going to get.

I'm sure the true tale of this experience will be far less entertaining than this post, but I had to write it out, to get it off my chest, and find a tiny bit of peace in it as I dwell on what I hope will never happen. If I happen to die in that hamster ball, you can harken to this post and say 'she had a feeling it was going to be bad!'

Monday, August 8, 2011

there once was a man...

As I sat drinking coffee and thinking, as I usually do in the morning, I found myself thinking about my dad. Back in the day, he had coffee to start his day too. He wasn't afraid of a little sugar and creamer to help break up the sometimes cheap bitter flavor. I don't know if he would have used a sugar substitute... he was diabetic, but rarely took that into consideration. In the 80s, there weren't nearly as many options for sugar substitutes, but then, those were pricey, and he kept things simple when it came to grocery needs. About all he wanted was peanut butter, white bread, and soda. And coffee.

My dad was a hard worker. He started out with his own business as a car mechanic with a friend who ended up being a life-long car salesman. After a while, a certain wealthy telephone company owner in Spencerport caught his eye, and he asked my dad to join his team, working on telephone poles and servicing people's phone needs. He did that for 19 years. Hard work really, and brutal in the winter, when he'd have to wear all sorts of extra clothes and still be nimble enough to climb those poles. He didn't want anything to do with a desk job though, and often was offered the opportunity, but chose to stay out in the elements. He fell once or twice from those poles, injuring his heels as he fell and landed right on them. He was out of work for a while for that... Overall I think he felt he did his best, and worked as hard as he could for his family.

Our life was a decent one - never had a lot, but always made it. Fridays were paydays and he'd always come home with some of his favorite junk foods: a loaf of italian bread, a pound of real butter (mostly for my mother's sake), a jar of pepperocini, and a jar of green olives. We had homemade pizza most Friday nights. Mom would make it on her well worn cookie sheet... mostly cheese and pepperoni. Pizza, soda, and television crowded our Friday evenings. It was family time... with the addition of my brother's or my friend we could bring home for the evening on Friday nights. When that happened, mom would make homemade chocolate chip cookies for us to enjoy. She made the best cookies! Ah, good memories. My friends still harken back to those nights... it was good.

My dad wasn't meant for a long life... he ended up with cancer at the age of 49, and didn't last through that year. I was in college, and my brother was working and supporting his 3 year old son - we all lived together. As the months grew harder for him, we all tried to make things as easy as possible for him. He had some luck with a trial drug study, but that soon faded. He gave up after that. Didn't have the will to fight what he knew internally was going to be his demise. I don't blame him... it's tough to be in pain all the time, and feel so helpless and scared.

Some of the things I remember are the coffee in the mornings. I still have the cup he used to favor. He would lace up his tall work boots, wear a long sleeved flannel shirt, tuck a handkerchief in his back pocket, and had a big leather belt with an even bigger buckle on it. Never understood the need for big belt buckles... but he seemed to like it. Before he went out the door, he'd kiss me and mom goodbye. Those are the moments I remember. The moments when it was just him and me... when I had his attention, even for a brief moment. He and I were a lot alike - very inward, and short on things to say when it came to matters of the heart. I knew he loved me. I still have little notes he wrote me saying so. Those are the things I keep...

He loved softball... played, coached, and latter umpired when he couldn't play any longer. He ump'ed until he was too ill to do it anymore. I think he tried to live normally for himself and for us as long as possible. He was a good man to a lot of people. They remembered him and honored him at his memorial service - packing the church to the brim. I think he touched more lives than he realized.

So here I sit with my coffee... thinking about a man who has slipped through my life, onto life eternal. It's been a long time... but he's still with me every day. I miss my dad. I often wonder the type of man he'd be now - retired, relaxed... tinkering with engines and enjoying the old corvette that my mother still has to this day. Simple life, that was what he liked. Nothing fancy, nothing in the lime light. Just a man, loving the Lord, living the best life he knew how. I try to emulate that... and be a lover of Christ, a lover of simple life, and a blessing to others. I think he'd be pleased with who I am now. I'll have to ask him when I see him again...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Volunteering...

I know I've crested this subject before, but since there's a break in Wheel of Fortune, I figured I'd write about tonight's volunteering at Purple Pony Therapeutic Horsemanship.

There's a lot of credit to be given to the ladies and men who volunteer their time for this cause. A lot of them work all year long at it, and give quite a bit of their time to making sure the lessons are successful, fun, and of course therapeutic for the riders. I've done this for two years now, and even though I drag my ass there every week, I end up having a decent time working with the students and the horses. There are a few students who I've become friendly with, and tonight I worked with one of them. She's a great little girl, very happy, fun, and excited about lessons. She's funny too - doesn't go long without a smart comment about whatever's going on. Tonight was no exception. She was nervous about the horse she was riding, because he can be very moody, and not do exactly as he's directed. He's a big guy too, which makes it difficult to direct him, if you're the lead. We had a newbie as lead tonight, and it was a bit rough, truth be told. He wasn't familiar with the horse or his role in the whole scenario, so things didn't go 'smoothly'. With an unruly horse, a virgin driver, and a skittish rider, it can be a bit awkward to get a lesson in that is actually beneficial to the rider. I try to make the best of it, cracking jokes (to which my rider friend warns me "no laughing! we'll get in trouble!" (we're supposed to be concentrating, and I end up doing about half of the concentrating I should be...

In a way the riders are like the horses... they have their little quirks, their disabilities, their shortcomings... the horses do too... they're either moody, skittish, bored, or all of the above. Lessons are a practice in patience for these animals, and they're not always up for the task at hand. So, to combine those two entities, things can get hairy. That's usually why they have two people side-walking with the student, and one person in charge of the horse (the lead). It can be fun, but it's not always about fun... there are things that are supposed to happen in order for the 'therapeutic' part of the lesson to take place. Stretching, leaning, guiding the animal to do what they need them to do for various games and tasks... It goes without saying that some days are better than others.

Overall these volunteers who run this program are excited and well meaning folks who do their very best to make the experience a good one for those who participate. I admire them for their efforts and their heart for the cause.

I don't know how long I'll be a part of this volunteer group, but I've gotten a lot from it. I'm a better person for being part of it, and I have learned quite a bit about so many things while I've worked with the horses and the riders. I've broadened my horizons. I hope to inspire friends to participate in these things, but I'm afraid I haven't been successful in that so far. Maybe some day...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I nicknamed him Jasper...

Me being a lover of animals can be detrimental at times... although so far, I've never really been hurt by an animal. I have little fear, but know the limits of wild animal contact enough to be wise in my interactions with them. Last night was a new experience...

Trying to sleep, I'd closed my eyes and started praying as usual. I had the doors to the deck open, and the fan blowing the cool air in through the screen doors. I'd left an aluminum ladder on the upper deck outside the bedroom after painting and started to hear it squeaking every so often. I attributed it to the wind, and continued to pray... but the noises were strange, and I thought about how the wind was way too minimal last night to cause such a ruckus. So, excused myself from prayer, put on my glasses, and turned the deck lights on, only to find a young raccoon on the deck, curiously wandering about. He/she saw me, and turned and scooted toward the corner of the deck, furthest from me. I shut the door. The poor thing seemed to be stuck up 3 stories from the ground, without a clear way of escape. He sat down in the corner, then laid down, and put his head down as if to rest. I had no idea how long he'd been up there. It could have been all day in the brutal heat. So, I found myself pitying him, and went down to the kitchen for some sugar snap peas and water. I tossed a few peas out the window near him, and he scooted again toward the other end of the deck, again, furthest from me. When I put the water out, he tried his best to get away from me, but again seemed at a loss as to how to get down from such a height. I turned the lights off, and shut up the doors so the cats couldn't freak out... and watched. He ate the snap peas up quickly, making me think he'd been up there a while and was hungry. I dropped the rest of the peas I had out the window after he walked over to the water... and he soon finished up all of the peas. Meanwhile I called Ben who was out... and mom who was still up at 11 p.m., asking about their large 'have-a-heart' trap that I might come and get from them in the morning. The raccoon would stand on his hind legs here and there, peering into the house to see what I was up to, or maybe to see what the cats were doing. I left it at that, praying for the Lord to protect him and get him down from the height he had gotten himself to.

Once Ben got home, the raccoon had escaped - which I was grateful for. I knew he was young and curious, and thought back to a giant poop that appeared on the lower deck last week... and I wondered. Maybe this little guy had been looking around out of curiosity, but why come back after not finding any goodies the first time? I have an idea he may have indeed found goodies INSIDE the house on Saturday night when we were out quite late, because on Sunday morning the large bag of cat food which the cats never bother with was curiously wide open as if someone had helped themselves to it. I remembered that, and thought surely he must have come through the cat door that leads from the kitchen to the deck. We've had chipmunks do the same thing, only they were after the birdseed bag that sits next to the cat food bag. Ah wildlife!

So: no more leaving the deck door open at night. No more leaving goodies for the animals to be attracted to... Seems silly to have to do that when the lower deck is 20 feet up from the ground. But, they climb! I find it slightly amusing, and not at all scary, but Ben doesn't like the idea of wild animals roaming around the house. To be honest, neither do I. Jasper will have to be satisfied in locating his meals elsewhere. He's young... he'll adapt.

All of God's creatures are precious to me. I want to help in any way possible. But, I know that my 'help' isn't best for what nature intends for these creatures... so I must resist. It was a wonderful moment to watch Jasper last night... being close enough to want to touch him, but far enough for him to be comfortable munching away at the snap peas I'd provided. Hopefully we won't have another episode tonight!